I am going to stuff the ass end of a leotard and wear it for my Super Bowl outfit this year.
Then I'm going to pimp it 2008-style and put rings on things. All the hell over things.
Joining the ranks of Janet Jackson's nipple, Steven Tyler's nut huggers and Bruce Springsteen's pelvic thrusts, Beyonce was announced as the Super Bowl halftime performer for the Feb. 3 football extravaganza.
Allow me to quote the first two sentences of the Associated Press story:
"All the single ladies will be watching the upcoming Super Bowl along with football lovers. That's because Beyonce is the halftime show performer."
Come on. AP. Want some processed cheese food with that lede?
Will Miss B. bring Mr. Z.?
That would be awesome, but I don't think the Mercedes-Benz Superdome in New Orleans is large enough for both Beyonce's childbearing hips and Jay-Z's Louis Vuitton wallet.
Let's hope Jay-Z does join because Beyonce's voice annoys me.
Sorry B-girls, but she's just too warbly. She sounds worse than the flock of shitfaced slurring sheep that clumsily stumble over barbed-wire fences in my slumber. Those little bastards can't keep their cloven feet off my pin grig.
So that's what I'm dealing with.
Anyway, good talk.
Botox and babies
In an interview with Bravo, when asked how she looks so young, Kate Gosselin, 37, said, "I am probably one of the rare few who de-age."
Too bad she can't say that for her granny-panty parts. Popping six kids out in one birthing bang is sure to sag that rag like Barbara Walter's jugs.
X marks Mario's spot
Mario Lopez has been in search of his gee spot for years: "Saved By the Bell," "Dancing With the Stars," "Extra," "America's Best Dance Crew" (he would) and the like.
It appears that now, Simon Cowell's "X" got its paws on Mario's spot.
"The X Factor" announced that, adding to the lineup of celebrity judges of Britney Spears, Demi Lovato, L.A. Reid and Queen Cowell -- Khloe Kardashian and Mario Lopez are joining the crew as hosts.
Aside from those Fraggles she dubs "sisters," I am actually a fan of Khloe. The girl's got a mouth. We can only hope she spreads it wide for the FCC. Primetime for hefty fine time.
Mario, on the other hand, will probably spend most of his time sucking his thumb in the green room because who the shit can get a word in when there's a Kardashian within 10 miles?
Or he'll be hiding from Cowell's manboobs. They take turns chasing Lopez and Nick Cannon.
Oops, Cannon is on "America's Got Talent."