christy fantz
Christy Fantz

I 'm going to take the liberty to help some celebrities choose a Halloween costume: Celebrities being celebrities.

However, since I always get uber creative with my costumes, we must indulge these cats. No cheap shit from Momentary Warehouse de Halloween.

My top two masterpiece go-tos are: Medusa, complete with dozens of (fake) snakes all over the mop. Con: I've swallowed a small snake and had to slam a tall boy to barf it up. Also: Bride of Frankenstein, complete with a Styrofoam cone to pin all hair up top, classic lightning bolt that I do fancy. Con: Mop's gravity leaves my neck with the feel of hardcore headbanging (for days).

This year is going to make my third favorite masterpiece: The Octopus, complete with finger tentacles, seaweed-adorned hair, worms on hooks and maybe even a fish. A plastic one -- no smelling of west Colfax all night.

OK celebs, here goes...

Who: Kim Kardashian and as RuPaul.

Why: She already looks like a drag queen.

Outfit: No change. Regardless, she dresses in costume daily.

Prop: TruckNutz

Who: Taylor Swift as Hulk Hogan's sex tape.

Why: Let's detract from her lollipop guild "scandals."

Outfit: Jean shorts, American flag bandana, handlebar mustache. VHS tapes pinned to her wifebeater.


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Prop: Kleenex, because she'll cry like a girl, then put a song on it.

Who: Jessica Simpson as Gary Busey.

Why: Why not? You see what I mean.

Outfit: TEETH.

Prop: Crazy eyes.

Who: Madonna as Broncos wide receiver Eric Decker.

Why: Madonna pissed off Denver last week with her three-hour concert delay at the Pepsi Center, then pointed a handgun at the crowd. And wore a cheerleader uniform. (Madge, we can see your balls.) She owes us. Plus, she has the same biceps as Decker.

Prop: Her dick.

Off you go, friends -- prop it like it's hot.

Bringing married back

Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake got hitched Oct. 19.

Who knew?

Apparently, "Justin wasn't feeling well all week and on his wedding day," a source told Us Weekly about the Italy destination wedding "They had a big night at the bar where everyone went crazy -- but Justin wasn't feeling great."

Of course he wasn't. Locked and loaded, buddy.

Look, it's JT, here. Not only did he bring sexy back, but he also rocked your body pretty hard. At least that's what it says in the men's room.

JT has sailed to the ranks of George Clooney. These kind of boys just strut around in gold garments, throw money at strippers and wash their hair with diamonds.

Marriage? Right.

Alas, he's trapped -- at least until impending divorce.

Or until I'm single. Won't happen JT. Condolences.

Headline of the week

"Kris Jenner Has Nip Slip as Wonder Woman."

I don't often throw up, but I think I may.