christy fantz
Christy Fantz

S imon Cowell is riding Carmen Electra's charge. (Allegedly.)

In an interview with Access Hollywood, the star didn't dodge speculation that the two of them are more than friends after meeting on the set of "Britain's Got Talent."

Neat! Four big jugs in one baby relationship.

"He's so cute. He's adorable, he's actually a sweetheart," Electra said. "I really like him, I think he's very cool."

Oh honey, calm down. Your Electra slide is showing. And it's frizzy.

Sidenote, the broad is releasing a single, "I Like It Loud," on Nov. 13.

So, she sings now.

Kiss from a rose -- or a bodyguard

Since Heidi Klum started boning the bodyguard, Martin Kirsten, she told Ellen DeGeneres that she is "very happy."

Then she told Katie Couric, "I've known him for four years. He's cared for our entire family and I trust him tremendously. I trust him with my children's life. He's a great man."

I presume, much like their father, Seal -- who spit said spawn into the supermodel's cervix (how's that for alliteration?), prior to her banging the help.

Whitney Houston, can I get a 10-4? (A "what, what" will also suffice.)

And I-I-I-I will always love yooooooou.

Good talk.

Britney the author

Ah, for cuss sake.

Britney Spears is penning a fictional novel about her life. "Cheetos and Celexa: Inside a Pop Tart's Drawers" (that was me) will span a fictional character following her perils.


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We know the story. We drank the story. We looked up the story's skirt. (And we needed to be held.)

So, *whine.*

We don't want the story.

At least we have One Direction's new album to look forward to. (Shriekin' in my neon Supras with Belieber Fever over here.)

Lanky lady

Remember when Cameron Diaz was hot?

(Hmmm...)

In Jim Carrey's 1994 flick "The Mask"?

(Dead air...)

"Something About Mary"?

(Eh.)

"Shrek"!

Alright. Then she turned into a pasty green bean with a gaping mouth that scarcely mutes.

Apparently she, 40, was cougar-style pouncing on Robert Pattinson, 26, at a party in Los Angeles in October.

"She was pretty obvious," said a witness who watched Diaz flirt. "Cam was seated next to Rob at dinner. She was touching his arm, doing her big Cameron laugh at everything he said and trying really hard. He was polite, but not having it."

(He's back with that chafe, Kristen Stewart.)

Oh, Cam (as it is), lay off the fresh meat. Your bowels can't handle vampire veal.

Give Tom Selleck's mustache a call. The men's room told me it gives good rides.

Swift gets the boot

I give you permission to spank me, but I'm going to type it: Taylor Swift is a smug, whiny little fig.

Plus, her music sucks.

Yeah! (Don't hit me.)

So Taylor, I hate to do it, but we need to talk. Have a seat on a horse or something. Whatever it is you cowgirls do these days.

We are never ever getting back together.

But here's my number, so call me maybe.