christy fantz
Christy Fantz

A ngus T. Jones, we need to talk.

The "Two and a Half Men" actor, now 19, was caught on a Christian church's YouTube video saying the show was "filth."

"Please stop watching it," Jones said. "Please stop filling your head with filth."

Neat. The kid found Jesus after he survived a rough parental divorce and experimentation with drugs -- no booze, though, because "that was one thing God protected me from, and I'm still a virgin."

Angus, after you leggo your morning Eggo with Jesus, call me.

"You cannot be a true God-fearing person and be on a television show like that," he said in a clip from the video. "I know I can't. I'm not OK with what I'm learning, what the Bible says, and being on that television show."

Dude. It's my turn to talk.

You were on the right path to childhood ruin. You started acting in the show at 10, your parents got divorced and you experimented with drugs. (Lindsay Lohan. Macaulay Culkin. Drew Barrymore.)

Then you blew it. Blew it like Lohan's dirty day job.

You found Jesus and friends. (Nice eye, kid. He's a tough one to spot.)

The Hollywood rules call for you to be blasting your nips under tight shirts at nightclubs and sexing up broads such as Paris Hilton or Amanda Bynes.

You're supposed to take that $350,000 per episode (Jesus Chr ... um, I mean egads) and you blow it on gluttonous shit -- like strippers, Lamborghinis and Chia Pets.

Then, then, when you blow through your wad like a naughty lad should, you give handys in the alley for crack and Saltines.

Look. I don't write the rules. Talk to Mel Gibson or something.

Mommy dearest

Speaking of child stars, Dannielynn (Birkhead? Smith?) -- the late Anna Nicole's daughter -- is launching a modeling career as the new face of Guess Kids.

Aw. Just like mama.

Her papa, Larry Birkhead, is catching hell for shoving the tiny broad in the limelight that Anna Nicole also shared as a Guess model. (Dannielynn was 5 months old when her mom died of a drug overdose in 2007.)

Dannielynn, Angus T. Jones hath inspired me to counsel:

As your dad raised you largely out of the spotlight in Kentucky, his greens are running thinner than his leather thong. Since he can't tap into your fortune until you're 18 -- and there's no way he's going to work -- get your rubber ducks in a row and smile pretty like mama's double Ds.

Get to work, kid. Georges Marciano isn't going to model that denim himself. (He looks horrid in tight jeans.)