Lindsay Lohan is potentially facing eight months in jail if a judge determines the actress violated her parole.
Just like the NHL, David Caruso and Prince Harry, does anybody give a fat shit about said ginger bush?
She'll most likely spend but 93 hours in solitary confinement and then be released due to overcrowding. She'll fall back into the spray-tan orange arms of that powder-caked orangutan she dubs "mother."
Then she'll strip for money, pop out a B flick, punch a concierge, spill a couple eight balls up her nose, kill a pedestrian.
A typical Lohan Hump Day.
So, see you here in a few months?
Seriously, NHL, nobody cares.
Stop the Spice.
It's gone too far.
The fourth album in 2007 placed the Spice Girls at stage "linger."
Then, the movie "Spice World" -- albeit idiotically amusing -- was completely gratuitous. A hyped reunion concert a decade later, a 2012 Summer Olympics medley and now, the spicy broads recently premiered their musical, "Viva Forever!" in London.
Off, off, off with your heads.
You know when you mistakenly douse potato salad with cayenne pepper instead of paprika? One spicy mess.
Well, the Spice Girls mistakenly doused the world with too much thyme instead of girl power.
The Spices have expired, ladies.
Sure, we like to motorboat -- but that collective Spice rack looks moldy and rubbery.
Happy birthday, texting
Since texting turned 20 this year, let's discuss the birthed acronyms from the cherished form of ill communication.
I'm an admitted victim of "OMG" and "WTF," but my fingers have never spoke a form of "LOL." I'm cool like that.
Let's move on to YOLO.
The acronym for "you only live once" was one of Facebook's top memes of the year and people are calling it the motto of 2012.
Which people? Probably those wangs who invented bacon floss.
Or my little boyfriend Zac Efron, who got the acronym tattooed on his virgin skin. Jerkoff.
In the future, when we wear pubic hair coats, liquid pants, zero-gravity shoes and read from our digital palms under the human skin lampshade, us fools will have a new brand of speak called Englonym.
As I'll have gone mad, I'll shack up my batty brain with Lohan in the psych ward for unlimited wearisome attempts at editing the world.
Bieber as murder plot
Two men in New Mexico are not Beliebers.
The men have been suspected of plotting to murder Justin Bieber, police say. The two prison inmates reeled in a nephew to hunt down the singer at a sold-out show at Madison Square Garden in New York, targeting Bieber and his bodyguard.
The nephew was found with "murder tools and pruning shears" after one of the prisoners tattled on his comrades. Said prisoner reportedly has a Bieber tattoo on his leg.
I know I'm jealous.