christy fantz
Christy Fantz

Oh em ef GG.

I've slacked on viewing "Gossip Girl" for the past two or five years, but just read what happened in the finale. Neato, gang.

Instead, I've spared 30-60 hours making fruitful life decisions, like warming bar seats and spanking my debt, because it's a bad boy.

In the vein of gossip, Hollywood is making me proud how stupid it's acting lately, so let's discuss...


Pork, Kardashian- and Cyrus-style

The Kardashian family released their annual Christmas card. It's like white, fluffy Twinkie cream in my drawers. The only trump that could tickle my tushy would be if Miley Cyrus grabbed her crotch, M.J.-style.


Invoking Michael Jackson, Miley Cyrus performed a rendition of Billy Idol's "Rebel Yell" at VH1 Divas Concert, thrashing around and grabbing her crotch.

(Weren't "divas" so Whitney Houston ago?)

Donning her cute blonde pixie cut and a tight leather outfit, I almost grew all "hell yeah!" but then I saw that redneck-squealing, mud-soaked hog shining through that faux Disney soul.

And for the Kardashians, donning all white in the card, like snow angels with fat asses, I almost grew all "aww," but then I saw that corporate-squealing, Benjamin-soaked hog shining through those nefarious souls.


Quote of the week

A pal of Lindsay Lohan has said the troubled star has stopped returning calls to her old party friends.


"She is realizing there are people in her life who are bad influences, who think it's funny when she wants to fill water bottles with alcohol and go out, or stay out all night at nightclubs in New York and look sloppy in photos. These aren't her real friends."

Um. What the fuck.

Of course it's not funny filling water bottles with vodka. It's called being a responsible adult.

My trusty American Furniture Warehouse water bottle saves me cash, while getting to traipse around town in my bag. Not only is Jake Jabs' belly jingling full of Kentucky Deluxe, but his lap tiger gets to roll all randy with my lion lighter, Ralphie.

"Real" friends know this.


Rich, old balls

In an interview with Esquire, not only did Arnold Schwarzenegger talk about sex, but he said, "I love paying my taxes."

After I rip off the govna's sack, I'm going to feed it to Miley Cyrus' pig. (Her other pig. Billy Ray is busy highlighting his bush.)


The feud is on

Not this "90210," but that "90210" is re-igniting the flame between Dylan and Kelly.

That's so special.

Jennie Garth and Luke Perry, who are pals in real life (I bet), are working on a project where the pair will play a couple on screen again because they "have always had a great chemistry together," according to Garth.

Ooooh. Shannen Doherty, you hear this? Put down the infomercial script and throw Miley Cyrus around. Punch things. Make Aaron Spelling proud.