FILE - This Nov. 17, 2011 file photo shows musician Frank Ocean at the 16th annual GQ "Men of the Year" party in Los Angeles. The Gay & Lesbian
FILE - This Nov. 17, 2011 file photo shows musician Frank Ocean at the 16th annual GQ "Men of the Year" party in Los Angeles. The Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation announced on Wednesday 120 nominees for the 24th Annual GLAAD Media Awards. Ocean for his "Channel Orange" album. The awards are meant to recognize and honor media for outstanding images of the gay and lesbian community. (AP Photo/Matt Sayles, file) (Matt Sayles)

So this whole Frank Ocean/Chris Brown fiasco is... well...

At first, I reflected, what a plagued young lad, that Brown fella. He bullies girls and gays. (Next up: piglets and elders.)

Then someone told me that Brown was actually the victim in a bitch fight over a parking space at a Hollywood recording studio.

Then I remembered that my Hot Pocket was burning in the toaster oven.

Man-icure

Whenever a "Vampire Diaries" advert gives "Seinfeld" a commercial break on the late-night CW roster, husband gets amusingly uproarious about the teen drama.

Vampires can't come out at light! Chicks can't make out with vampires. That show is stupid.

christy fantz
Christy Fantz

He's not jealous of Ian Somerhalder's smashing blue eyes, he's got a pair. He's just passionate about his folkloric homies.

As I've never set eyes on the show, I have no room to ridicule. Especially due a past of junking out on CW with "Gossip Girl" and such. (Plus, I need to come out of "The Carrie Diaries" closet and just watch it already.)

No judging! My job.

Nonsense aside, Mr. Tough Guy Vampire, 34, was caught getting a manicure in Santa Monica, Calif.

Who cares? Go male grooming!

Well, now when husband and I see the man in the box next, we can criticize him for ruining his nails when he pulls that tampon out of his purse.

Commercial breaks are fun.

Justin of all trades


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What are you doing Feb. 9?

Cancel!

Justin Bieber is not only a musical guest on "Saturday Night Live" that night, but he's also a client.

Oh dear, Hair Club for Men tangent. (Also reminiscent of Men's Warehouse, where you're going to look good -- because that one dude guarantees it.)

Aside from pumping out his man-jams for the SNL masses, Bieber will also pull double duty by hosting and acting.

Aw. What a little jack-of-all-maids.

Trades. Whatever.

Hogan's weirdoes

In true Hulk Hogan style, the mustache-clad clownfish tweeted a picture of his daughter Brooke in a miniskirt and heels captioned with: "Brooke's legs."

Recap: The duo has been known to have an embarrassing and disturbing relationship over the years. (Think: Woody Allen and his spawn-spouse.)

Of course, Brooke's penis got in a twist, so she went on a tweeting tirade defending her dad.

"A dad can't even be proud of his daughter without sickos makin it something it's not ... Go back to your farm animals."

So, next time we see a photo of your father rubbing sun block on your orange ass, we'll go ahead and go back to our farm animals.