Celebrity media's jock straps are quite disheveled in ...*drum roll* ... The Case of Rihanna's Double Jeans.
'Whaaaa,' you ask? Me too. It's a mess out there.
People magazine wants to know: "Is It Bizarre Pants Week and We Didn't Get the Memo?" (Slow clap, fools.)
Rihanna was spotted wearing a double-zip, double-wash pair of jeans. Picture this: It's as if she donned a dark-wash pair of jeans over a light-wash pair, whilst sagging the dark-wash pair like a mutha farmin' gangsta. (I don't know. She had a crop top on.)
Who knew the bitch was a never-nude?
(Tobias Funke, "Arrested Development." Go back to sleep.)
Playboy's former "Girls Next Door" dipshit Holly Madison (and ex-girlfriend to Hugh Hefner) recently gave birth to a baby girl. She shares the spawn with her party promoter boyfriend Pasquale Rotella. (I'll give you a party promoter.)
Pasquale watched the baby slide out of in utero, much to his chagrin, sporting a velour robe and sucking on a Cuban. (Relax, Pasquale, the baby's *probably* yours. Hef's seeds blew fresh out six score and seven years ago.)
Once upon a "Freaky Friday" ago, two separate stars fought like a pack of menstrual marmots (imagine mini arms slapping the air).
"I'm sorry, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time," Kanye West squealed after jerking the microphone out of Taylor Swift's hand on the stage at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards.
And we thought West was irritating. Now all Swift does is seethe about hemorrhoids and tampons or something (we're not listening).
Now, the country star is pissed at Golden Globe hosts Amy Poehler and Tina Fey for their jabs during the award show last month.
"You know, Katie Couric is one of my favorite people, because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved, that said, 'There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women,'" Swift told Vanity Fair, referring to the pair.
Swift: You fuck with Fey, you fuck with Fantz.
In the same interview she also said she's not "some clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend."
To differ, I beg. That is not what it says in the men's room.
Achy breaky heart
Is Bieber still single? It's killing me.
At least I can rest easy knowing that the wedding is still on for Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth, after rumors abounded.
"I am so sick of La. And sick of the lies that come with it," Cyrus tweeted. "I didn't call off my wedding. Taking a break from social media. #draining"
Miley, I'll be brief. I got tanked at a Denver bar with Los Angeles last night and it told me it's eating cans of botulism in hopes of purging you, so the feelings are mutual.