Lady Gaga arrives at the 52nd Annual Grammy Awards at the Staples Center in Los Angeles, on Jan. 31, 2010. (Jay L. Clendenin/Los Angeles Times/MCT)
Lady Gaga arrives at the 52nd Annual Grammy Awards at the Staples Center in Los Angeles, on Jan. 31, 2010. (Jay L. Clendenin/Los Angeles Times/MCT) (Jay L. Clendenin)

A ll the Hollywood news this fine day is making me have to poop.

(What a deliciously spring-filled fine, fine, fine day. Can it be spring forever? It gives me a hankering to spank an inmate.)

Let's see, we've got uproar over Michelle Williams posing in a British magazine in Native American garb, sparking "redface" controversy in the community.

Then there's a new break-up track from Selena Gomez, thanks to Biebs, "our love was made to rule the world/You came and broke the perfect girl." (I hope she has custody of all their shelter pups. I have a mini girl-crush on her.)

Next, a source is confirming to Yahoo! gossip site OMG that Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus "are pretty much done," with sources citing Hemsworth wandering eye and Cyrus' hard partying.

christy fantz
Christy Fantz

Who to ridicule? I'm verklempt.

My pal Aaron in the newsroom offered: "Justin Bieber's hamster died, if that helps?"

That does help. And it gives me weird visuals.

Who owns a hamster?

(I did. Her name was Cheeks because she stored her litter of seven pups in there and then ate them after I unwittingly pet one against her will. My pre-pubescent self wasn't learned on the logistics of rodents. Then Cheeks died in our heating ducts after getting stuck in my parent's waterbed, so condolences, Biebs. And yes, I said waterbed.)

Throne de Gaga

Lady Gaga had hip surgery from thrusting that bony dick around stage too much.

Whoops.

Regardless of the "real" reasons, the broad is rolling around town in a gold wheelchair. As in a 24-carat gold wheelchair.

It's called "The Chariot." I wonder if she'll challenge Pope Franny to a battle of wheels. Popemobile vs. Chariot. I see fire in their future. (I already have a pet name for the new pope. Jealous?)

Gaga's pimped-out ride features calf leather, a leather canopy, gold-plated wheels and hardware. Ken Borochov designed the ridiculous hunk of waste, and Gaga's stylist asked the crown-and-jewel designer to create the luxe chair, giving him only a week's notice.

"It was made all over the United States; my assistant had to run around everywhere," Borochov told The Daily Beast, adding, "the most important thing was supposed to make something extraordinary that is fit for a queen, which Gaga is."

She may be, but calf leather? May as well assault a llama after gorging on foie gras and barbecued veal. Heathens.

Baby Odom

Khloe Kardashian finally had a baby.

The best kind of baby ever. Her and her husband Lamar Odom got a puppy. Since the Kardashian's fertile genes missed Khloe's fertile jeans, her so-called "Lammy" got her a fuzz-faced boxer.

That's special. Shoulda got a shelter pup, jerks.