Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz (Courtesy photo)

Perez Hilton, born Mario Lavandeira, in March of 1978, began writing celebrity smut via blog in 2004.

Christy Fantz, born Christine Fantz, in July of (you shut your mouth), began smiting celebrities for the Colorado Daily in 2007. (Let's throw a book deal at her!)

Now Perez, a recently single father, will be starring in "Gay Dads of New York" reality show, where a group of men will support one another while raising children.

Talk about being on schedule. In three short three years, I'll be starring in my own, "Print Media Shits the Bed," where "bloggers" snack on journalists' phalanges, and J-school grads savagely fight over bite-sized Milky Ways and Folgers.

As for now, it's Perez's time in the limelight.

Perez Hilton will be starring in "Gay Dads of New York."
Perez Hilton will be starring in "Gay Dads of New York." (Courtesy photo)

"Up until now, people know me more for my opinions than who I am. This show will give viewers the opportunity to get to know the 'real' Perez Hilton and my family," he said.

The "real" Perez is Mario Lavandeira, you dolt.

Walker's gone, man

Condolences, Paul Walker, for my constant ridiculing of your lack of acting skills. Now that you're tragically gone, you never have a chance to defend said "skills" to me.

In parting, I offer you my posthumous David Caruso Acting Award, equipped with sunglasses and rotten tomatoes.

On that note, why wasn't Vin Diesel riding bitch? (You're an asshole, Fantz.)

Rest in peace, pal. You were my little sister's crush. In your honor, we'll have Tyrese throw on a whipped-cream bikini.

Vegan rappers

BREAKING! "Beyoncé and Jay Z Are Eating a Vegan Diet for 22 Days."

Neat. A healthy challenge, they say. The pair started the fast on Monday, the day before Jay-Z's 44th birthday.

"There's something spiritual to me about it being my 44th birthday and the serendipity behind the number of days in this challenge; 22 (2+2=4) coupled with the fact that the challenge ends on Christmas day," he said on his Life + Times website.

Spiritual. Just what I was thinking.

Stock up on toilet paper and plungers. It's raining fiber. Hallelujah. It's raining fiber. Hey, hey.

Just the girls

The Kardashian's annual Christmas card is out and it is full of it.

Full of what?

Well, red beans and rice didn't miss it.

Although the boys are all in absentia(Kanye West, Lamar Odom, Rob Kardashian, Scott Disick), Bruce Jenner is in a glass case of what looks like borderline emotion and the broads are all bedazzled in black while caught in some sort of carnival-inspired, celebrity magazine-strewn, graffiti-filled set.

WHERE THE HELL IS NORTH WEST?

Probably under Taylor Swift's cowboy boot somewhere.

Deck the balls

Dennis Rodman is headed over to North Korea to train a basketball team. Well, and have a pillow fight with his bestie Kim Jong-un (the country's leader) and gossip about "Vampire Diaries" while he braids Kim's corn rows.

The ex-NBA star is coaching the cats over at the reclusive state to organize an exhibition game with other ex-NBA players in January.

So. Alright, then. The game will look like Tori Spelling's tits. All lopsided and shit.

The 'Loser' loses

Ruben Studdard, that portly fella who was on "American Idol" way back when, was just kicked off "The Biggest Loser."

The poor man couldn't lose the padding, after already been sent home once before.

What a loser.

"This is just a great beginning. It really showed me that I can do anything I want to if I put my mind to it," he said.

Quite the contrary, good sir. That's why you were booted. Positivity: quashed! Take that.

Follow Christy: Twitter.com/fantzypants