Husband almost burned down Christmastime after multiple attempts at putting up our tree last weekend, until we finally got it erect. (That's what your mom said.)

Then it leaned, so we tied it to the wall. Then the string broke, so it sat on the floor for three days. Then we picked it up and leaned it against the wall, which is where it's going to remain, I'll assume, with ornaments littering the carpet.

Heidi Klum, on the other hand, bought six Christmas trees — one for each kid. I'm assuming she didn't have to prod the tree's undergarments with screwdrivers and such. Although that's not what it says in the men's room.

"This year for the first time [the kids] each have their own tree in their room," Klum told People magazine.

Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

What a gaggle of spoiled brats. Although I suppose it could be worse. They could be the Jolie-Pitts who have a half-a-dozen real Santa Clauses of varied cultures poised in rocking chairs, petting abominable snowmen in each kids' room.

Miss Angelina, may I use the restroom? It's been seven hours and I can't feel my legs.

Shut your fat ass cookie hole and put your hand back on that matted yeti. You can urinate tomorrow after we return from our French chalet.

The color of Santa

And now, after all this uproar of whether Santa is white, black, purple or bleu cheese...

As Elf on the Shelf and I donned we now our gay apparel and got tanked last night while discussing, we decided to tag Father Christmas rainbow. That way we can all be holiday happy.

Then we got sober and forgot that there's no black or white in a rainbow.

So, after the Elf finishes judging and watching children from where the flies go to die, I'll be waiting for discussion part deux. (Maybe catnip-free this time, Elf. People can't be rainbow. We're morons.)

Simon Cowell's jugs

Dear Editors,

It has recently been reported that Simon Cowell may have gotten pectoral implants. We have a top, board-certified plastic surgeon ... to comment- did he? didn't he? Thank you!

Mark Wahlberg loves the good Lord.
Mark Wahlberg loves the good Lord. (Andy Kropa / Invision)

Dear Press Release,

Well if Simon did get silicone man bags, then good for him. He was starting to get a little saggy while topless on the beach. Was that Kathy Bates with a sweater of pubes on? We're not sure. Will Mr. Cowell also be breast feeding his new baby? To be determined. Good talk, Press Release.

Marky Mark and the Catholic bunch

Mark Wahlberg is the type of Catholic we can all strive to be. Except for the whole going to church twice a week deal.

He told Parade Magazine that he hits up the Jesus party at 7:30 and 10:30 a.m. on Sundays.

"It's the most important part of my life," Wahlberg said.

That's sweet. But with movies like "Ted," a cynic must ask, OMG, WTFWJD? IDK. Y2K. LOL. LYLAS!

Maybe confession's for the 7:30 a.m. slot and repentance is for the 10:30 a.m. slot. Then there's 6.5 days to act like a heathen until next Sunday's 7:30 a.m. confession, where my Jesus acronym will be waiting in line.

No more Beiber

Justin Beiber is retiring.

(Shhh. Now I lay thee down to sleep.)

"I'm retiring, yeah," he told a Los Angeles radio station, saying his upcoming album, Journals, will be his last. "I think I'm probably going to quit music."

Sources close to the brat say he was joking, his manager said he wants the pop star to take a year off at least.

"He can still live in the studio and work on the next album, which is what he wants to do, but I just want him to take some time to himself, so he can have that time alone, cause he's been working since he was 12 years old."

Oh suck it up, pansy. Children in China have been working since they were 12 days old, and they work for diapers and breast milk.

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