Kate Middleton is being called out by the Queen for her short hemlines.
Kate Middleton is being called out by the Queen for her short hemlines. (Chris Jackson / Getty)

Mid-freshman year in high school I left my "secular" jeans-wearing Catholic high school in Indiana and signed up for a uniform-clad institution in Florida. The first time I tried on the uniform skirt, I had to rent a fresh one because I pissed myself from laughing so hard.

The matronly nun-garb could have looked decent rolled at the waist if it weren't for those damn button-up oxfords that were mandated to be tucked. Alas, I learned tricks from new pals, and started strutting it, streetwalker style. The only obstacle was avoiding Mrs. Apple, who would shoot holy water out of her eyeballs to scald our whorish legs.

We survived and now I drop my pants in public. Slow clap, Catholic school.

Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

Kate Middleton appears to be barking up that same nonconformist tree, as Queen Elizabeth is allegedly fed up with the Duchess' shrinking hemlines. However, instead of an quick waist unroll remedy when the Queen rounds the corner, the royal is instead getting an entire new custom-made wardrobe from Alexander McQueen.

Woes of the rich and famous... for marrying the rich and famous?

As soon as the Queen kicks the bucket, call me, Kate. We'll get Bada Bing strippers on the horn and fashion you some vestments made for whores.

No use in crying over spilt tar

Philip Seymour Hoffman's death crushed me. I loved him.

See you in hell, you jerk. (All gingers go to hell.) I'll bring some Rocky Mountain bud. It's better than heroin. (What is this, fuckin' CBGB? Kids.)


Advertisement

Anyway, the New York City medical examiner on Wednesday ruled Hoffman's cause of death as "pending further studies."

Didn't see that needle dangling from his vein? One free degree with ShamWow purchase, I guess.

The brat's bacon

Justin Bieber is a 19-year-old dude with money. His horoscope isn't telling him to sprout Jesus wings, so let's move on.

In the latest of charades, a rowdy private jet he rode to the Super Bowl (with his daddy and 10 entourage members) was searched for drugs on Friday when it landed in New York. According to Yahoo!, he and his poppa were "extremely abusive" to a flight attendant and "their private jet was so full of marijuana smoke that the pilots were forced to wear oxygen masks."

In the vein of rich folk, aside from smoke in the cabin, the alleged drugs disappeared and "none of the items could be linked to Bieber, his father, or their guests," according to a report, and they were free to go.

So Bieber packed up his Legos and stormed off. Don't tell him his tampon string is hanging out of his skirt.

Big wedding, big deal

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West moved up their wedding from July to May.

Her camel toe in a photo at perezhilton.com told me that the wedding is in Paris. After scrubbing my eyeballs out with lye, I learned that she'll do one dress change on the big day.

Kanye, on the other hand, will only wear one suit, so his vagina doesn't dry out for the big night. (Bieber may have some lubricating tips.)

Follow Christy: Twitter.com/FantzyPants