Kristen Bell's Roberto Cavalli mermaid-style Oscar gown was tight. So tight, in fact, that she told "Live With Kelly and Michael" that she had to pee in a mason jar.
Raise your hand if this visual is confusing you.
Mermaid-style hugs the hips and flares at the bottom, laymen (i.e., dudes). Ergo, it would seem that it would be more streamlined, if you will (I would), for someone to jack up the dress, have her squat over a toilet and let it fly. Then the toilet paper's right at hand to dab the rug dry. (I see Kristin Bell with a hippie 'fro downstairs. Dax Shepard likes added volume.)
The gown was corseted, so this adds to the lack-of-bend situation.
So in my head, an assistant crawled up Bell's leg, pulled down her underwear/Spanx (if undergarments applied) and pressed the jar taut against her pelvic bone (to prevent spray). Then, said assistant sat there as the race between the bladder and jar capacity ensued.
She should've spread 'em, have Neil Patrick Harris pull up the gown over her head and then hose down a dark corner. Preferably one where Kathy Griffith is trying to French kiss a drugged Anderson Cooper.
Hey, at least I didn't analyze how Courtney Love goes poop with all those painkillers rotting in her bowels. Condolences for that visual.
She's so crazy
It appears Amanda Bynes put down the bath salts (of the drug variety) and scrubbed her Twitter with some (of the epsom variety).
The child star, who polished off a reported four-month stint in mental health rehab in December, is apparently now attending the Fashion Institute of Design & Merchandising in California.
She deleted two-years' worth of bitch-you-crazy ramblings and her attorney said she is"doing great," according to People.com.
Amanda, I see your clean image and I raise you three blonde weaves, a blunt and a fake Twitter account. Your shiny, medicated self is detrimental to column gossip.
Lorde of the lesbians
Lorde called out a Los Angeles radio host after he asked the New Zealand singer about her friendship with Taylor Swift.
"I see you guys' pictures everywhere are you guys together now?" Kyle Sandilands of KIIS FM asked. "Not together as in lesbians, I'm not talking about 'Ellen together' I'm talking about, like you guys are friendly right?"
(Is he still talking?)
Then Lorde quipped: "What do you mean you're not talking about 'Ellen together,' is there something wrong with lesbians?"
You tell 'em Lorde. Now go paint the town black with your kisses.
At least Taylor Swift is happy with her new Hot Topic toy. She just dumped bestie Selena Gomez because she reunited with Justin Bieber, according to Us Weekly.
Oh, Michele, such a belle
Follow Christy: Twitter.com/FantzyPants