Latoya Jackson? Oh. Lil’ Kim. Whew.
Latoya Jackson? Oh. Lil' Kim. Whew. (Getty Images)

Who put Lil' Kim's face in a blender?

I mean. Congratulations on your fresh piece of baby.

Not only did the rapper give birth to Royal Reign on Monday, but also to a set of silicone cheeks and collagen lips.

Contrary to popular belief, Royal Reign is not a feminine douche, but a human baby.

This is the first child for the rapper, 39, and she spawned the lil' girl with her dude, Mr. Papers.

Also contrary to popular belief, Mr. Papers is not a sanitary napkin, but a human rapper. A rapper who enjoys his Mr. Coffee with Mr. Brightside and Mr. Clean while Mr. Roboto rides Mr. Ed around the yard.

NetCliques

"Orange is the New..." everybody calm down.

I haven't watched it yet, still sans internet and Netflix. Man, this 21st Century is so complicated. All it wants is money.

I'll try to heed your suggestions in watching "Orange is the New Black" one day, after I catch up on "Wilfred," "Game of Thrones," "Walking Dead," ...

Somebody mail me some spare time while I make photocopies of an oven mitt and fax it to electrologists.

Sagging with the boys

Nicholas Cage. Such a silly goose.

The actor showed up to a Guns N' Roses concert wearing a T-shirt with his own face on it. Gasp, internet, gasp hard. Create memes and T-shirts and a Twitter account for his T-shirt's T-shirt.

He also had on leather pants and a cowboy hat.

Then Marilyn Manson took his makeup off and Sebastian Bach spoke in a man's voice.

Those boys can rage.

Mr. Jackson, are you for real?

When I was wee, I earned a dollar a week for my chores, and I would save that dollar for 30 minutes. Then I would spend it on Fun Dip, JuJubes and Bit O' Honey. I always yearned to save it for a Barbie, but three months was a long time with no candy.

Michael Jackson’s daughter Paris has an allowance that rivals Donald Sterling’s (alleged) mistress.
Michael Jackson's daughter Paris has an allowance that rivals Donald Sterling's (alleged) mistress. (Phil McCarten / Associated Press)

Michael Jackson's kids, on the other hand, have quite the allowance. Eight million a year, to be precise. MJ's estate continues to grow in value and his kids Prince, 17, Paris, 16, and Blanket, 12, are reaping the benefits. The $7,305 per/day, per/child allowance would get them 365 Barbies per day. And that's at $20 a pop.

Jerks.

I'm gonna go eat my feelings in the free newsroom candy dish now because I just spent the last of my allowance on a $7.99 magnum of wine.

No more!

Kourtney Kardashian is knocked up with her third baby.

Stop procreating, Scott Disick.

Baby No. 3 is on its way for these asshats.
Baby No. 3 is on its way for these asshats. (Dimitrios Kambouris / Getty)

The couple used the news to tease the upcoming season of "Keeping Up With the Kardashians," where Kourtney reveals the news to Scott, as he rips off his aviators, turns slyly to the camera and says with a wink, "What? Holy shit." Then David Caruso gave him a standing ovation.

Spoiler alert: Rob Kardashian is slated to reveal his baby bump in episode seven. Maybe it's Bruce Jenner's!

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