Here's a little ditty about Lena, Jack and Brangie.
Lena Dunham, who's dating guitarist Jack Antonoff (her boyfriend of two years), has said that she won't get hitched until same-sex marriage is legalized in the U.S.
That's sweet, sugar tush. Brangelina said the same thing and then started to get saggy, so they're allegedly in the planning-a-wedding stages. Although, rumor has it that Angelina Jolie is (allegedly) holding up the process because she can't find a bridesmaid. Of course, this rumor comes from my mouth (and possibly a tabloid rag, next to guess-the-fat-bitch-in-a-bikini picture), but it all seems entirely plausible. Like she has friends.
Random: Lena's lover is famous for co-writing Taylor Swift's "Sweeter Than Fiction."
Liar, liar, Taylor's chastity belt is on fire! I was under the impression Swift was the one country star left who wrote her own music.
Let the belt burn!
North West's diamonds
I recently jested to Husband, "What if we stood outside of the 'Let's Make a Deal' studio and robbed the old ladies who won all the cash?"
Which brings me to North West. The one-year-old trust fund better watch her ears' backs. Kim Kardashian just got them pierced (much to the internet's dismay), and since the tot's new diamond studs are worth more than Justin Bieber's life, her exposed lobes are targets — much like Wayne Brady's old Benjamin-toting ladies. So beware, Norri.
In the same vein, my brain hasn't had a good old-fashioned assault for a while, so I decided to go keep up with the Kardashians.
Kim and Kanye got hitched, the family's show ratings are low, Kylie and Kendall turned into a pair of non-panty-wearing "authors" with a Hardy Boys-style book,* and Kanye is still talking.
Mr. West recently said that the couple spent four days of their honeymoon in Ireland Photoshopping their famous "kiss" photo, which has become the most-liked photo on Instagram ever. (Benadryl for insomnia, Midol for rage, IG.)
Apparently, famed shooter Annie Leibovitz canceled as photographer just days before the wedding.
"Because Annie pulled out, I was like, 'OK, I still want my wedding photos to look like Annie Leibovitz,' and we sat there and worked on that photo for, like, four days because the flowers were off-color," Kanye said.
I don't think it was the flowers, kid.
A honeymoon is for celebrating the bond of newlywed bliss in a land far, far away. But since intimate seclusion with that pair would be like sexually bonding with a rusty tailpipe, a third partner must be added to spice up the mix. Enter: Photoshop.
*Condolences for the insult, Hardy Boys.
Speaking of large asses...
Donald Trump told "The Howard Stern Show" (that still exists?) something that you other brothers can't deny: J-Lo and Kimmy K. have huge asses.
And his anaconda don't want one. (Oh, puns.)
Instead, he likes his ladies to wear an oven mitt and a dustpan:
"In the old days, they'd say she has a bad body," the 68-year-old rug said of Kim. Nothing like dated prejudice.
Although Chick-Fil-A is still closed on Sundays because apparently that's when the gays come out.
Clooney's future wife
Amal Alamuddin must birth strippers when she's fed after midnight.
(She's George Clooney's fiance.)
The forever-bachelor decided to put a ring on somebody. So it's really the only logical conclusion.
She's not just a pretty face, that U.N.-flavored activist, Angelina Jolie said between motorboating her husband's bestie's new gal. Got that?
I smell a bridesmaid...
Contact Christy Fantz at 303-473-1107 or firstname.lastname@example.org