My buddy Murray called me Friday night for drinks.

"Eh. I don't have any money."

"Just throw on those damn striped knee socks and skirt you always wear, because it's a balmy 27 degrees out" he said, "and come meet me at the Whiskey Bar."

I already had that outfit on, so I hoofed it to the bus.

Yours truly has become obsessed with the over-the-knee-sock-paired-with-skirt combo.

Perhaps it's Catholic guilt, or maybe the fact that dudes fantasize about chicks in uniforms. (We do, too, sailors.)

The substitution of Mary Janes for my holey Converse is my spin on the look.

(No heels here. This 6-foot-1 chick already doubles as a circus freak.)

I realize it's winter and that outfit is all but weather-appropriate. My legs don't care. They look good. I mean real good. Plus, in my defense, the socks actually do keep the gams warm. Well, minus the 3-inch thigh gap (whiskey helps).

Speaking of the 3-inch thigh gap...

Recently, at a dive bar on a 7-degree eve, a broad in the ladies' room commented on my attire.

"I know," I said. "I'm a moron. Who the hell wears a skirt when it's this cold?" (A phrase uttered at least once a week.)

"Damn, girl! That cold wind is going to ride up into your coochie and you're gonna have to use an ice pick to chip off those icicles!" she said.

Hmm. She makes an interesting point.

Anyway, here are five knee socks you need:

1 Garter top


This is a great way to look like a hooker in thigh-high boots but only paying a fraction of the price. The Garter Top Thigh High over-the-knee socks have a cute black bow on top. Sex it up, bitches.

Info:, $9.99

2 Argyle

American Eagle; FlatIron Crossing, Broomfield

There are tons of hot argyle knee highs out there, but this navy/grey/white pair from American Eagle is super cute. The quaint argyle pattern covers the whole sock. Golf it up, bitches.

Info:; 720-887-0156; $6.95

3 Stripes

Sock Dreams

Oh dear. I almost spent my entire paycheck on this website. Check out the over-the-knee stripe socks here. There is a vast combo of colors. Wicked witch it up, bitches.

Info:, $6-$8

4 Zombies

Hot Topic; FlatIron Crossing, Broomfield

Oh, just jump on the bandwagon already. These knee-high zombie socks are stirrups -- so portions of the feet are exposed (maybe don't wear these in the snow). The neon green tie over the knees is pretty awesome. Gore it up, bitches.

Info:; 303-464-1446; $19.99

5 Eyeballs!

Joy of Socks

All eyes will literally be on you with these over-the-knee socks that have eyeballs all over them. That was a cheesy pun. These socks are not cheesy. Weird it up, bitches.

Info:, $22