One of the scariest parts of a relationship is a dude's wardrobe.
After falling in lust at first sight, you realize he is forever going to wear baggy band T-shirts and bad jeans.
"Honey, you do know we're not going to the hot dog cart for dinner, right?"
We've all dated a bad wardrobe. We don't have time to nag the boys about their horrid taste in clothes. We have bitching to do.
Granted, it is really tough to change someone's wardrobe. It could be solved by gifting them new articles of clothing every single holiday (Groundhog Day is approaching).
Then you run the risk of your hard-earned money collecting dust in the closet. (Hard earned. Please, you trust-fund baby.)
The better option is to just hand them this article. I'll whip those bitches into shape. You, after all, don't want to hurt their feelings.
A few years back, in a cab, a friend and I had a "what we don't like on dudes" conversation.
"I can't stand it when guys wear baggy jerseys all the time," she said.
"What gets me is the gold chains," I said.
The cabbie got out to politely open the door for us. He had on a Broncos jersey with three gold chains. Whoops.
Here are five tips for you boys out there.
1 The tie
Let's bring that tie back. It's sexy when guys wear ties. Get festive with a comic book one -- Superman or Captain America. Don't be afraid to make it pop. Then pair it with jeans and a black zip hoodie. Mmm.
You look damn good.
My vote is Chucks (obviously). Otherwise, if you aren't a Converse fan (you go to hell, you dirty bastard) then go vintage. Try some old-school Vans or a nice loafer with a longer toe (but avoid too pointy -- too wicked witch and girly). Stray from those chunky Etnies, for my sake.
When you first start dating dude and have yet to see him in jeans, well, that's panic attack valid. Are they going to be light denim blue or cheesy stonewashed? Are they going to be falling off his ass? Buy a pair that actually fits guys, please. You may think your silk boxers are sexy, but if we wanted to see them we'd be in your bedroom. (Note to selves: Don't wear silk boxers.)
We're over baggy. Get a T-shirt that fits. Start with thinking about what size you normally buy. Then get the next size (or two) down.
Buying an XL isn't like buying a Magnum condom. It doesn't mean you're a big, strong, tough guy. It means you look like a fool in that saggy thing. (By the way, nice try, put down the Magnum.)
I hope we've all established that white socks paired with black pants are a large faux pas. If not, now you know. Stop doing it, Michael Jackson. Get some fun socks. Colored, argyle and patterned. Target has some super cute trouser socks for dudes that have different patterns like skulls and stripes. Now go look sharp, boys. We have to be seen with you.