jeanine fritz
Y ou know what the most annoying thing is about dieting? (Obviously, besides dieting itself, because a special circle of hell is probably reserved for those who willingly eat celery.)

But do you know what the *most* annoying thing is about dieting?

No, I don't know what the most annoying thing is...I'm asking you. Tell me.

From this vantage point -- two weeks into a half-assed attempt at the Caveman diet -- every single bit feels slightly annoying. Well, outside of not having horrific spells of explosive diarrhea thirty minutes after meals involving sauce, or what I like to call, "This is What It Sounds Like, When Doo Cries."

(Note to Editor: Please post this column under my nomme de plume, Gnome Duploume, and not my actual name. Otherwise, totally embarrassing, am I right? Thanks, you're a darling! I'll pay you back that $20 I borrowed sooooon! Swearsies!)

Ahem.

So anyhooooo, Caveman Diet. That means you eat foods you can find occurring naturally in the world, ones our cavepeeps would've had access to. So no Monsanto, no bleached sugar, no Rockies dogs, no fun! Damn.

For the most part, not eating bread with every meal has been pretty much the most painful experience in my life. The lack of energy, the listlessness, the feelings of stabbiness... those are the side effects of not getting my daily hit of sugars and carbs.

I started doing it because a few people at work have had pretty amazing results -- they've slimmed down, they look younger, their complexions are great, and they will not shut up about how awesome raw almonds are.


Advertisement

But two weeks into my attempt to eat nicely, I can honestly say I feel better too. My belly is happier and my pants fit a little better.

But it's pretty weird that the essence of the caveman diet is eating like a caveman: he ate what he could find. But somehow it's not okay for me to eat what I can find. I found some tapioca in my fridge, I found a box of Kraft macaroni cheese at the 7-Eleven, and I find right now I've got a beer in my hand...but NO, somehow what I can find I shouldn't shove into my cavehole.

The bartender who will remain unnamed (but it starts with a "T" and ends in "Ommyhetmen" ) set the brew down in front of me and said, "Just like the cavemen drank."

Fine. Fine. I'm doing a bad job.

I don't know what the most annoying thing is here...not eating bread, getting teased every time I mess up, or the utter lack of cheese sauce in my lunches.

But when I think back to the other diets my friends have attempted, or the ones I've tried myself, there are typically four billion other things that are far more annoying: calorie counting, eating at specific times of the day, gallons of cabbage soup.

All I'm doing this time is not eating stuff I shouldn't really be eating anyhow.