( MARTY CAIVANO )

T op o' tha mornin' to ya!

(Do the Irish know what morning looks like? This one doesn't.)

St. Paddy's Day. What our proper homies like to call "amateur hour."

Propers, how's that Kindle, kitty and couch? We're out getting day drunk. Be jealous.

It's like Christmas. But with whiskey and decisions of the shocking sort. And maybe some shockers thrown in there for good measure. And whiskey for presents.

HOLY green, leprechaun. I'm excited. I'll give you an "amateur hour" and shove it up your Netflix, couch-humpers.

So the parade is Saturday in Denver. My kilt is pressed, my green Chucks are filled with dog hair and my liver is years in the soaking. Let's party.

christy fantz
Christy Fantz

Saturday at 10 a.m., the parade rolls out of the Coors Field parking lot at Blake and 27th in Denver, takes a right on 17th, then a right on Wynkoop. People go crazy over this shit. If you're out in Denver on Friday night, you'll probably see campers pitching tents (not that kind) for a glorious spot on the frontline.

Obviously, aside from Chicago and Boston parades, Denver's (in its 51st year) pulls quite the weight in the parade world. Before and after you watch floats 'n' floats (are you on a float, mother chugger?), here are some St. Paddy activities going on around town.

Crawl in style


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Maloney's Tavern, 1432 Market St., Denver (303 825-1990), will be hosting a weekend-long drunkfest with, Green Kegs & Hammered St. Paddy's Day Bar Crawl. A map with all the bars involved will be provided. There will be T-shirts, mugs and and clovers, and each participating bar will have drink specials for participants.

The crawl starts tonight at 5 p.m. at Maloney's and will hop around LoDo for all the food-dyed beer you can handle.

Info: Friday, Saturday, Sunday; barcrawls.com/denver; $5, $15 for a three-day pass

Keggs & Eggs

LoDo's Bar & Grill, 1946 Market St., Denver, has been hosting Channel 93.3's Keggs & Eggs for... um... ever?

Anyway, today the bar will have free tunes by British indie band Frank Turner & the Sleeping Souls, songwriter ZZ Ward and Denver's Nuns of Brixton (they dress up as nuns and play Clash songs). I've never been, but if you want to go, you've apparently gotta get in line at 3 a.m. Which is why I've never been. I like hugging my body pillow with a bottle of whiskey at 3 a.m.

Info: area93.com/pages/keggs-n-eggs.html; free

Awesome bars to check out while in Denver:

Whiskey Bar, 2203 Larimer St., Denver (303-297-0303). Because as the bar says, beer isn't Irish, whiskey is.

The Irish Snug, 1201 E Colfax Ave., Denver, (303-839-1394). The Capitol Hill Hooley has Cap Hill's biggest Irish celebration with tents, bagpipes and assbaggery.

Fado Irish Pub, 1735 19th St., Denver, (303-297-0066). Downtown's biggest celebration of assbaggery right next to Coors Field.

Irish Rover, 54 S Broadway, Denver, (303-282-4643), South Broadway's partying and there's green beer in your pants.

Celtic Tavern, 1801 Blake St., Denver, (303-308-1795). There's a cigar bar next door.

Scruffy Murphy's, 2030 Larimer St., Denver, (303-291-6992). Where Irish punks go to die of cirrhosis.

I know I forgot some but I'm thirsty.

Go get green, homies. See you out there. Good talk.