Dean as proxy

Christy Fantz is busy making the news with a short staff. Enjoy Ashley Dean's version of Hollywood Headaches this week.

Welcome to Hollywood Headaches, the Grammy edition. I'm subbing in for Fantz this week and the timing is perfect. I, intrepid music reporter that I am, am going to get all gossipy about music's biggest -- and probably most irrelevant -- celebration.

 

Bieber bitches

Contrary to any "swaggy adult" claims, the Biebs continues to act like a petulant child. He wasn't nominated for a Grammy, whined publicly about it, then tried to hold a Ustream session for his fans during the broadcast.

ashley dean

It crashed and he got pretty upset, tweeted that he should release a new song instead, then posted a shirtless photo on Instagram.

That's not all. The Black Keys' Patrick Carney had this to say to TMZ: "He's rich, right? Grammys are for, like, music, not for money ... and he's making a lot of money. He should be happy, I guess."

So, Bieber tweets: "The black keys drummer should be slapped around haha"

The only appropriate reaction to any of this is LOLOLOLOL k bro.

And, Patrick Carney is my spirit animal.

 

Taylor Swift is not real

Let me count the ways.

1. She looked inhumanly perfect, as always.

2. She seemed to know the words to every single song performed and sang and danced along in a genuine way.

3. Her own performance was some sort of weird Alice in Wonderland homage...kind of?

4. She mocked former-beau Harry Styles mid-song.

I've always thought T-Swizz looked like a cat, and that on-stage diss showed she has claws. Tiny little kitten claws that make you go "dawwww" even when they sink into your flesh. The girl is a flawless country pop kitten who probably shits cinnamon buns.

 

Frank Ocean vs. Chris Brown, Round 2

Is it telling that I accidentally typed Christ the first time?

Brown posted a crucifix photo not long after his scuffle with Ocean, then showed up to the Grammys in all-white to bring himself "inner peace." He's feeling like a martyr. A martyr who faked community service, resulting in the resignation of the police officer who helped him, and, you know, beat his girlfriend that one time. He's lucky he can still get enough respect to get nominated and sit front row with the woman brutalized exactly four years ago before this very event.

I won't even comment on the rekindling of that relationship because that's a dark, disturbing rabbit hole of issues that should actually be taken seriously.

Anyway. Brown and Ocean were both nominated for Best Urban Contemporary Album (what the hell is that supposed mean, really?) and Ocean won. He won because his record is seriously beautiful and interesting. The crowd gave him a standing ovation, but Brown, seated front and center, did not.

Meanwhile, Ocean was sweet and gracious, his mother was lovely and his friends in the OF crew were adorably happy for him. (Yeah, I'm calling Tyler, the Creator adorable. Look at his tweets from the night.)

 

People compared Adele to home furnishings

The voice that reduced the world shivering puddles of tears and rebuilt it and made it stronger wore a seriously fantastic dress.

( John Shearer )

People did not like it. They likened the ensemble to a couch and wallpaper. I'm choosing to hold it up as a model of all that is weird and wonderful. Haters to the left.

Now, go listen to some good music and forget about this bullshit.