christy fantz
Christy Fantz

Dear Christy,

My boyfriend makes fun of me because all I ever wear are Toms, jeans and vintage T-shirts. I've always dressed in the same simple style. Do I have to change for him?

-- Comfy

Style stuck:

I don't own a pair of pants.

When I walk into the newsroom with tights under my skirt, the journo masses go bananas in wonderment until they realize they're tights.

Point: I wear skirts and Converse every single day. I'm too tall to buy "tall" jeans ("tall," my white ass). Ergo, I'll suffer in my skirt in --6 degrees with windchill.

So, I'm style-stuck like you. This cotton/spandex/canvas getup has reaped me many an accolade, criticism, gossip.

And guess who gives a fat shit?

I may be cold but at least I don't look like an asshole in jeggings.

You should be concerned about your comfort only -- unless your man puts forth a fancy effort to look nice when he swoons you in an exotic jaunt to Country Buffet. In this case, maybe slap on a sparkle or two -- or grandma's doily, glow sticks, ruby slippers, what have you.

There's no harm in dressing up every now and then, homegirl. My version of dress-up is the respectable-looking Chucks and the fancy thigh-highs. I found my own splash, thus you can find yours.

If he is still adamant about changing your style, then tell him to squeeze his beer gut into a pair of meggings and a bandeau top.

Boys don't squeeze into shit. He'll shut the suck up real quick.

Dear Christy,

Everyone I know is making New Year's resolutions and I don't feel like it. I'm lazy and I know I won't follow through with it anyway. My girlfriend is pissed I'm not making a resolution. Should I just pretend like I am?

-- 2013, whatever

Change at its finest:

Firstly, it's none of your girlfriend's damn business about your so-called resolution.

What if you were silently resolving to stop looking at geriatric porn? Or stroking it in your flamingo costume?

I think resolutions are stupid. (Yeah!) Mainly because I don't want to quit smoking/drinking/video gaming/Gangnam Styling.

Instead of... I'm going to eat better; I'm going to lose 10 pounds; I'm going to stop banging the neighbor's wife.

Do... I'm going to capture every stray pup and find its owner; I'm going to dance like an asshole; I'm going to get laid four more times before tomorrow.

You don't have to ride El Bandwagon de Resolution (let's make a spaghetti western!), but if you put your best foot forward (that's not a foot, pervert), then maybe your karma will start making out with your dharma.

Explosions a rife!

Get a room.