christy fantz
Christy Fantz

D ear Christy,

I'm "swinging" through the Denver area and I'm a swinger, lol, like that? Where can I find some good swingers action?

--Swing Tastic

Bubbles:

Hello Swing Tastic, my name is fucking Google.

I guess.

And Michael Jackson's monkey's name is Bubbles.

Right.

Condolences, my friend, but I am not learned (distinguished by the "ed") on the swinging lifestyle. Unless, of course, you're referring to the big band era, in which I am also not learned on. Aside from Benny Goodman's "Sing, Sing, Sing" swingin' singin' single. (I'll love that song for infinity. You're a bandwagon!)

This "swinger" jargon is getting our granny panties in all sorts of a bulge.

Firstly, unless you want to swing-bang a Wendy Williams audience, ixnay on the "lol"-ay. (Or is it "lol"-nay? Best left for scholars.) And yes, you're clever. Solid "zing" up there, buddy.

However, I don't know where you can find "swinger" action. Maybe check with your local grocer.

Dear Christy,

I'm dating this man who's married. I'm in love with him, but he has two little kids and a wife. He keeps telling me he's going to leave her, he just needs time, but my friends all tell me he's just using me for sex. Should I stick around for when he leaves her? Or are my friends right?


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--Hopeful

Nopeful:

Oh dear. (Like "oh nuts," but topped with cacao, sweetened for your pleasure.)

From personal experience (that's what it says in the men's room) -- get out. He's not going anywhere.

I'm confident that if he didn't knock that woman up he dubs "wife" (twice), then he'd be riding your naive soul all the way to the...

He's married! Don't do it.

He's invested. He has spawn to put through higher-ed so they can dance their way to the elite school of pole dance. (Well, their dad's banging you and their mom drinks her insomnia to sleep -- all the while resident mice dine on the family dog's Milk Bones. Quite a mess in there.)

I know that as wee lassies on the town, we dance to the beat of our estrogen-laced love muscle. We fall in love with married dudes. Then we sob for change. Then we map out our future marriage with him and our two new stepkids.

But then his wife gets the last bang. He will always go home to her.

Read that last sentence again.

Go squander your short youth banging single dudes with shiny asses at sports bars and such.

We can't all have Leann Rimes' homewrecking Cinderella story.

Good talk.