John Mayer's banana hammock was seen weed whacking landmarks around Hollywood without Katy Perry's jugs in tow.
(Sidebar: Many of the singer's famous exes have boasted the boy's large cup size. I cry foul. 34C tops.)
The couple apparently broke up for the second time.
Mayor Mayer of Big Pole reportedly lassoed in a new lady with his lengthy lariat while dining in Los Angeles. (John, it's not the size of your twine that matters, it's the way you rope in femmes. Personality's a plus.)
Poor Perry's a mess, but John will be OK because his body is a wonderland.
Pot of gold
For the love of strippers, Playboy playmate Holly Madison's birth slide spit out a real Rainbow.
The former "Girls Next Door" star told some celeb rag that she named her new daughter Rainbow after a former classmate.
(And where is this classmate now? A unicorn told me she's squirting shades of Crayola all over adult stages in the greater Wichita area.)
This week, Holly pimped out her 2-week-old Rainbow exclusively for In Touch Weekly. (Of course she did.)
However, Holly isn't a fan of our harmless jabs on her new spawn's name.
"There are a lot of smug haters out there who bag on my choice of a name, but I don't care about what they think," she wrote on her website. "I want my daughter to be proud of who she is and learn to speak up and stand up for herself at a young age."
And at an old age, stuff her bra with silicone and decorate that rack with saggy nuts. #yourmother.
Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were spotted at a karaoke bar in Los Angeles Tuesday after two months apart.
I think Stewart sang Alanis Morisette's "You Oughta Know," followed by Pattinson's rendition of "My Heart Will Go On," by Celine Dion.
Then she took that boy out back and beat him with her scowl.
Elmo's meth mouth
So now Elmo's on crystal meth.
Not even once, Ginger. We learned this from "Requiem for a Dream" director Darren Aronofsky who taught us through his anti-meth PSAs.
Not. Even. Once.
Plus, silly monster, you have no teeth.
Elmo's ex-puppeteer, Kevin Clash, has a new lawsuit brought on by the same guy who alleged underage coitus (what the hell, Elmo?).
Plaintiff Sheldon Stephens, 24, has a new suit alleging that "Clash smoked crystal meth while engaging in sexual activity with Sheldon."
Pick on fuzz your own size.