Deanna Hardies is the editor of the Colorado Daily and infrequent writer of the Space Potato column. Her hobbies include eating potatoes, reading about space and drawing stupid animal puns.
Philosophers hate her! What's your one weird trick to keep the existential crisis at bay?
Whenever I find the abyss staring back at me, I just Google animated gifs of corgis. It's impossible to fret about the nature of one's existence while you watch one of those stubby-legged floofballs belly flop off a pier.
What fictional drug are you most curious to try?
I've thirsted for Romulan Ale since well before I was of legal drinking age. It's the Cuban cigar of the Star Trek universe, and it's such a beautiful shade of blue. And because Romulans are basically Vulcans who can't control their raging emotions, you gotta figure they have a pretty wild party side.
Give me a haiku inspired by something that pisses you off.
Peaceful mountain trail
Miles from civilization
Dudes blasting Kanye
A time traveler from 100 years hence offers you your choice of the fruits of transhumanism: chlorophyll skin, webbed toes, carbon fiber bones, you name it. What genetic/surgical modification do you make to your body?
I have no use for my uterus anyway, so let's ditch all that baby-makin' gear and replace it with a nanobot factory that perfectly regulates my hormones. While we're messing around in there, might as well convert some of that space to store and play my music collection.
If you were 6 inches tall, what animal would be your mighty steed?
I know I should probably pick some bird of prey for this, but I can't stop thinking how cool it would be to ride a basilisk, aka the Jesus lizard, as it speeds majestically across the surface of a pond. Plus, I would give it forehead armor with a decorative horn for maximum awe-inspiring effect.
What is your preferred method of disposing of the body?
Compost that sucker. I know what you're thinking: "You can't put meat or bones in the bin!" Au contraire, mon frere. With enough heat and air, it'll break down just fine, although I recommend increasing the surface area for best effect (chop chop!). Plant a fruit tree on top, and in a couple years, Mr. You'd-Look-Prettier-If-You-Smiled will be the secret ingredient in your blue-ribbon apple pie. Waste not, want not — that's what I always say.
What is the best flavor of Jell-O shot (besides snozzberry, of course)?
Baked potato, with chives and a dollop of sour cream on top. Yum.
What euphemism makes you grin like a demented middle schooler?
Oh man, there are so many. Dropping the kids off at the pool. Calling up Ralph on the big white phone. Bumping uglies. Making the beast with two backs.
Aside from stress relief and lowering blood pressure with the power of purrs, what little-known medical benefit do cats provide?
If they deign to knead on you with just the right amount of claw, cats can give a decent acupuncture session. But most helpful is their sleep-inducing ability. If I'm having trouble falling asleep, just observing a curled-up feline can be enough to make my eyelids droopy. For a more powerful effect, get a hand under that fuzzy chin and let the purring vibrations traveling up your bones knock you out like a freight train full of Ambien.