Wearing a condom beret will not protect you from STIs, but you will look fabulous.
Wearing a condom beret will not protect you from STIs, but you will look fabulous. (Associated Press)

Sure, life could be roses and lollipops if the damn kids these days practiced abstinence, but we all know that is just not practical. Instead, we must impart our wise wisdom upon the children so they can stop spitting out spawn at age 13.

But you're not children anymore. Look at you, so adult. College looks sexy on you. While you're flaunting your adult, if you plan to embark on a career of nonabstinence, let's hope you make some wise decisions. Whether you can be found pants-down in the backseat of a car, behind a downtown alley Dumpster, or just missionary in bed — let's learn how to be safe and healthy about sex.

Yes, my toddler was a pleasant surprise, but since I could be your (smokin' hot) mom, the timing was fine. There's no way in hell I could've handled a child in college. I was too busy washing down ditch weed with kegs and trolling gangbangs. Of sorts. And speaking of babies, you will NEVER SLEEP AGAIN. So if you like to sleep and have sex, it's time for you to research your options on campus.

And remember, let's all be cool humans and get a firm "yes" for consent on both sides. Rape and assault are not needed in a world that's struggling for peace against violence. Don't be assholes to each other. We're all on the same team. If you are a victim or witness of sexual assault, there are various resources and information listed below.


From counseling, to testing, to free condoms, to reporting unwanted incidents or even spaces for students to feel safe and talk among their peers, CU can help. Now before Donald Trump's VP candidate Mike Pence flies into an abstinence meltdown, let's take a look at options for sexual health on campus:

Wardenburg Health



1900 Wardenburg Drive

Wardenburg is your own little hospital on campus. It offers a full range of health and wellness services for when you get sick, have an anxiety attack or need some birth control. The health center has many resources when it comes to sexual identity, values, desires, behaviors and health. The staff focuses on helping students have healthy relationships and personal health — two important aspects when practicing sex.

Women's Clinic in Wardenburg has a gynecologist, nurse and nurse practitioners and offers annual exams, birth control consultations, emergency contraception, HPV vaccinations, STI testing, pregnancy testing and more.

Health Promotion in Wardenburg addresses sexual health issues and offers tools to help minimize consequences associated with high-risk activities. Hop online ( colorado.edu/health/promotion) to explore various types of birth control methods. Health Promotion also helps students with stress, sleep, body image, tobacco use, relationship wellness, alcohol toxicity and more.

Wardenburg offers testing ( colorado.edu/health/sti) for all sexually transmitted infections (STIs). These tests are covered by the Gold and Campus Care health plans. Walk-in testing is available — and may be nice for those without CU insurance as it doesn't include a visit with a health care provider.

Free HIV testing: CU offers confidential walk-in HIV testing with results available in 20 minutes. Testing is 12:30-2:30 p.m. Mondays at the University Memorial Center or 2:30-4:30 p.m. at Atlas; or 10:30-12:30 p.m.Tuesdays at the UMC and 4:30-6:30 p.m. at Williams Village.

Related CU resources:

Gender and Sexuality Center



Center for Community, room N450

This spot offers support and advocacy for those exploring their identities, those who identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex and their allies. It has educational and social events, and it offers free internal condoms, external condoms and lube. The center hosts workshops and trainings, education programs and various events including: National Coming Out Day, Celebrate Bisexuality Day, Transgender Day of Remembrance, Transforming Gender Conference. The center also hosts various speakers and film screenings. All are welcome, as the center says: "You don't have to be 'out' to come in."

Women's Resource Center



University Memorial Center, room 416

The Women's Resource Center's goal is to create an environment where women will thrive, develop leadership skills and work for equality on campus. It offers sexism training, craft parties (knitting circles, etc.), guest speakers, film screenings and various events. Students can also confidentially report if they've experienced or witnessed harmful incidents.

Kitchen Table is a social peer group where women of color and multi-ethnic women gather for free food, music and conversation.

Queer Women in Community is a social gathering that offers free food, conversation and various activities, like field trips.

Office of Victim Assistance



Center for Community, room S440

The Office of Victim Assistance offers free and confidential support, information, advocacy and short-term counseling for students. OVA can help with bias-motivated incidents, sexual harassment and discrimination, intimate partner abuse, physical assault and hazing, sexual assault, stalking, harassment and more. OVA offers online or in-person confidential reporting.

Counseling and Psychiatric Services


Wardenburg Health Center, first floor, 303-492-5101

Center for Community, room S440, 303-492-6766

CAPS offers confidential mental and psychiatric services for various concerns including: academics, anxiety, body image, depression, relationships, substance use and more. Students get six free visits.

CU Police Department


1050 Regent Dr.

Emergency: 911

Non-emergency: 303-492-6666

Administration: 303-492-7311

Off-campus resources:

Planned Parenthood, 200 Arapahoe Ave., Boulder, 303-447-1040

Boulder Valley Women's Health, 2855 Valmont Road, Boulder, 303-442-5160

Boulder County Public Health, 3450 Broadway, Boulder, 303-441-1100

Boulder County AIDS Project (BCAP), 2118 14th St., Boulder, 303-444-6121

Boulder County Sheriff's Department, 5600 Flatiron Parkway, Boulder, 303-441-3600

Boulder Police Department, 1805 33rd St., Boulder

Moving to End Sexual Assault (MESA), 2336 Canyon Blvd., Suite 103, Boulder, 303-443-0400

24 Hour Rape Crisis & Information Hotline, 303-443-7300

Christy Fantz: twitter.com/fantzypants