If there's something strange in your bedroom, who you gonna call? Christy Fantz, that's who, because she'll bust (heh) through the bullshit and give it to you straight (or whichever way you swing). In addition to her column, "Fantz in Your Pants," she works the entertainment beat for the Colorado Daily's sister paper the Daily Camera. So when she isn't answering your questions about orgy logistics and the best cannabis lube to use, she is backstage doing shots off your favorite artist mid-interview.
Here's an exclusive look:
Philosophers hate her! What's your one weird trick to keep the existential crisis at bay?
Having a heart that beats like a jackhammer. (Not the sexual position.) I like to have an optimistic outlook — until the universe screws me. Then I bend over, cry and faceplant into whiskey.
What fictional drug are you most curious to try?
Celestial wine. This wine from the highest gods heals wounds, cures disease and counteracts poison in just one glass. I could get shitfaced every night and wake up a shiny new broad.
Give me a haiku inspired by something that pisses you off.
Title: Fermented Grapes of Wrath
Sweet nectar o' mine
Ye bladder is empty, jerk
Time for a new box
A time traveler from 100 years hence offers you your choice of the fruits of transhumanism: chlorophyll skin, webbed toes, carbon fiber bones, you name it. What genetic/surgical modification do you make to your body?
Jugs that lactate whiskey. You're weird.
If you were 6 inches tall, what animal would be your mighty steed?
Marty McFly's orange vest.
Drawing on the unholy forces of Shub-Niggurath, you gain the power to resurrect someone from the grave, but only long enough for that person to create a genre-bending album/video event, a la Beyonce's "Lemonade." Who do you raise from the dead, and what's their hit single?
Stop making me Google shit. Who is this Beyonce?
My late dog Ezra will drop "Resin," featuring the wildly popular single "I Got So High I Housed Some Yard Waste," feat. Joe Jonas and Eddie Murphy. (My dog likes to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time.) The single was inspired by that one time Ezra inadvertently mistook a chunk of resin on the coffee table for an itty-bitty steak. Of note: The resin was your mom's, not mine.
What college-level course are you qualified to teach?
• Archaic Shit: The Oxford Comma
• Journalism for Ladies who Talk Pretty
What is the best flavor of Jell-O shot (besides snozzberry, of course)?
Whiskey. But since whiskey doesn't need Jell-O, I'll have a shot of whiskey and you can keep the animal by-product jiggly goo.
What euphemism makes you grin like a demented middle schooler?
Smashing genitals. Because I made it up.
Aside from stress relief and lowering blood pressure with the power of purrs, what little-known medical benefit do cats provide?
Cat-scratch fever. It lives under the guise of a rainbow covered in soft fur. The feline has the power to lurch the human body into an extreme immune-defense response to purge Fel d 1 — a mix of kitten saliva, urine and dander proteins. It drenches the airway, convulsing the lungs into a massive asthma attack, then adheres itself to the eyeballs, inflaming the sclera to the point of impossible blinking. Any scratch to the skin will erupt in itchy, swelly lesions. Like when a leech cups the balls, I'd imagine.