Hey! That’s him. The man with the plan. And the plan is ... to go get tacos.
Hey! That's him. The man with the plan. And the plan is ... to go get tacos. (Courtesy photo)

If you're starting to feel like the world is full of shitty people doing shitty things, John Bear will swoop in to tell you: You're right! And then, like a gumshoe inspecting the scene of a crime, he'll expertly train his flashlight on the most darkly hilarious angle of the entire shitshow.

If you're sinking into the depths of insanity and despair and need a breather on your way down, read what the man has to say.

Philosophers hate him! What's your one weird trick to keep the existential crisis at bay?

That's easy. I just have another existential crisis, and they cancel each other out.

What fictional drug are you most curious to try?

Substance D from "A Scanner Darkly." I like the idea of the hemispheres of my brain splitting into mutually unaware personalities. Second place is Nuke in "Robocop II." Something has to explain that piece-of-shit sequel.

Give me a haiku inspired by something that pisses you off.

My anxiety

Called me up at work last night

I went home crying

A time traveler from 100 years hence offers you your choice of the fruits of transhumanism: chlorophyll skin, webbed toes, carbon fiber bones, you name it. What genetic/surgical modification do you make to your body?

I would have the unibrow removed so I no longer have to feel shame every time I shave it.


If you were 6 inches tall, what animal would be your mighty steed?

A regular-sized horse, because it would be really, really funny.

If I rifled through your fridge, what's the most scandalous item I am likely to find?

The absence of any food.

What is your preferred method of disposing of the body?

I don't know. That depends on what you mean by "disposing."

Drawing on the unholy forces of Shub-Niggurath, you gain the power to resurrect someone from the grave, but only long enough for that person to create a genre-bending album/video event, a la Beyonce's "Lemonade." Who do you raise from the dead, and what's their hit single?

Johnny Cash covering "Wrecking Ball."

What college-level course are you qualified to teach?

I'm not qualified to teach remedial math to first-graders. Next question.

What is the best flavor of Jell-O shot (besides snozzberry, of course)?

I don't drink, but even when I did, it wasn't going to be a Jell-O shot. I'll go with valproic acid. That's a flavor, right?

What euphemism makes you grin like a demented middle schooler?

The only answers I could come up with would be career suicide.

Aside from stress relief and lowering blood pressure with the power of purrs, what little-known medical benefit do cats provide?

I take solace in knowing that if I die alone and no one notices, the cat will eat well for a week or two.

Read more Bear: coloradodaily.com/columnists