If you're starting to feel like the world is full of shitty people doing shitty things, John Bear will swoop in to tell you: You're right! And then, like a gumshoe inspecting the scene of a crime, he'll expertly train his flashlight on the most darkly hilarious angle of the entire shitshow.
If you're sinking into the depths of insanity and despair and need a breather on your way down, read what the man has to say.
Philosophers hate him! What's your one weird trick to keep the existential crisis at bay?
That's easy. I just have another existential crisis, and they cancel each other out.
What fictional drug are you most curious to try?
Substance D from "A Scanner Darkly." I like the idea of the hemispheres of my brain splitting into mutually unaware personalities. Second place is Nuke in "Robocop II." Something has to explain that piece-of-shit sequel.
Give me a haiku inspired by something that pisses you off.
Called me up at work last night
I went home crying
A time traveler from 100 years hence offers you your choice of the fruits of transhumanism: chlorophyll skin, webbed toes, carbon fiber bones, you name it. What genetic/surgical modification do you make to your body?
I would have the unibrow removed so I no longer have to feel shame every time I shave it.
If you were 6 inches tall, what animal would be your mighty steed?
A regular-sized horse, because it would be really, really funny.
If I rifled through your fridge, what's the most scandalous item I am likely to find?
The absence of any food.
What is your preferred method of disposing of the body?
I don't know. That depends on what you mean by "disposing."
Drawing on the unholy forces of Shub-Niggurath, you gain the power to resurrect someone from the grave, but only long enough for that person to create a genre-bending album/video event, a la Beyonce's "Lemonade." Who do you raise from the dead, and what's their hit single?
Johnny Cash covering "Wrecking Ball."
What college-level course are you qualified to teach?
I'm not qualified to teach remedial math to first-graders. Next question.
What is the best flavor of Jell-O shot (besides snozzberry, of course)?
I don't drink, but even when I did, it wasn't going to be a Jell-O shot. I'll go with valproic acid. That's a flavor, right?
What euphemism makes you grin like a demented middle schooler?
The only answers I could come up with would be career suicide.
Aside from stress relief and lowering blood pressure with the power of purrs, what little-known medical benefit do cats provide?
I take solace in knowing that if I die alone and no one notices, the cat will eat well for a week or two.
Read more Bear: coloradodaily.com/columnists