Personally, I've never trusted someone completely who doesn't like hamburgers. Sure, there are people who prefer a 36-ounce porterhouse, Pittsburgh-style, with a 3-pound lobster and a bottle of Château Pétrus, but those people don't deserve a good, juicy burger.
Of course there are varying levels of burger. If you have a belly full of liquor, a warmed over Whopper or a McDouble might suffice. But you know where to find a Burger King or a McDonalds, so I will spare you the directions.
It's not in Boulder, but if you make it to downtown Louisville, hit up Waterloo, 8089 Main St. The Signature Potato Burger has shredded spuds rolled into the meat. If I had religious beliefs, I would have gleefully abandoned them after tasting that burger. And I had only one bite.
Anyway, for you people trapped in the Boulder bubble, here are some local choices:
1165 13th St.; 11 a.m. to 10 p.m. daily; bar is open later
The Sink started off as a European-style restaurant and officially became "The Sink" in 1940 having already been called that for years because of the sunken fountain in the dining room.
The restaurant sells burgers made with "certified Angus beef" with variations including the Texas Onion Straw, which made an appearance on "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives," a show staring a guy with very, very blonde hair. Not to mention, President Obama stopped in for a bite when he was in town, and Robert Redford worked there as a janitor when he was a CU student in 1955. True stories.
2922 Baseline Rd.; 11 a.m.-2 a.m. daily
The Dark Horse offers 11 kinds of burgers on its menu. The one that jumps out is the Jiffy Burger, which has — wait for it — peanut butter, bacon and provolone cheese on top. It doesn't say if it's creamy or crunchy.
More importantly, the Dark Horse sells Rocky Mountain Oysters, which the menu describes as "cow fries," but we know what they really are. So order up a pair with some horseradish on the side and chow down.
The Dark Horse makes a cheap and delicious burger, and it has enough decor to keep your eyes busy.
Vegetarian options are available — for the burgers, not the Rocky Mountain Oysters. That would just be weird.
Mountain Sun and Southern Sun
1535 Pearl St.; 11 a.m.-1 a.m. daily
627 S. Broadway; 4 p.m.-1 a.m. Monday; 11:30 a.m.-1 a.m. Tuesday-Friday; 11 a.m.-1 a.m. Saturday-Sunday
Mountain Sun and Southern Sun hand cut their french fries, which is awesome and begs the question: Why doesn't every restaurant in the free world do this? They taste far superior than measly frozen ones.
The restaurants also say right on the menus that if your fries aren't perfect, they will bring you some more. Also awesome, because nothing is worse than getting a juicy burger with french fries that taste like they fought in the great war.
Speaking of burgers, the brewpubs' two locations make their burgers with "all natural, vegetarian-fed Colorado beef with no antibiotics or steroids." This means they are still eligible to play Olympic baseball — and likely more healthy.
Note: The locations don't accept credit cards, but they do take personal checks. If you are an 18-year-old incoming freshman, allow me to explain: Checks are rectangular pieces of paper that people used to pay for items with. Often, the person in front of you in line would wait until the very last minute to begin filling it out.
The Attic Bar and Bistro
949 Walnut St.; 11:30 a.m.-2 a.m. daily
The Attic offers a variety of burgers and sandwiches along with other pretty standard pub fare — like fish and chips and jalapeño poppers. There is a good variety for everyone, including salads and hummus for all you lettuce people.
But we're talking burgers here. The eye-catcher on the menu has to be the Bucky Supreme — a burger with three kinds of cheese and bacon sandwiched between two — count 'em — two grilled cheese sandwiches.
They also serve fried cheese curds, so take an extra statin and head on down. Viva Wisconsin!
Here are some quick bites for when you, or your wallet, are in the mood for something more fast-casual:
•Five Guys, 1855 29th St., 10 a.m.-10 p.m. daily
•Larkburger, 2525 Arapahoe Ave., 11 a.m.-9 p.m. Sunday-Thursday; 11 a.m.-10 p.m. Friday-Saturday
•Smashburger, 1650 28th St., 10 a.m.-10 p.m. daily
•Snarfburger, 2000 Arapahoe Ave., 11 a.m.-midnight Sunday-Thursday; 11 a.m.-2 a.m. Friday-Saturday
John Bear: twitter.com/johnbearwithme