Life is pain, as we all know, and I don't expect this column to change that.
You wanna know about the Boulder nightlife, baby? I'll tell you about the Boulder nightlife.
But if you've come here expecting me to guide you out of your loneliness or existential dread, you should really turn around.
I mean, think about how that makes me feel. Would you want this kind of pressure? It's an honor, yes, to have tens of thousands of people read me every week, but sometimes I worry that you guys want me to be something I'm not.
A sex symbol. A revered author. A trend maker. A Grammy-winning Colorado Daily columnist. A god.
Is there anything I haven't been called?
Listen. I know I've earned all of these titles, but it's still a lot. It's you, the readers, who've given me these crowns, but you guys are also the reason they're so goddamn heavy. There's a lot to live up to.
When I started writing this column in 2006, while still an undergrad at the University of Phoenix, I was about the words. True words for the common man! Real, honest, explosive truth unfolding in the black-box theater that is my column.
Well, are you happy? It's been 10 years, and now people recognize me for everything but the words. Lemme tell ya: Being larger than life can make a Human Male, which I am, feel quite small sometimes.
So you come to me now, wondering how to spend your nights. And I'd love nothing more than to tell you. But please promise me you'll take the words at face value. I'm just a person — a person like you. I need to know that you'll respect that and not turn this into some hero-worship craziness.
When you're done with this piece, I want you to walk away not only with an idea of how to spend your night, but with a renewed respect for the essential humanity of your narrator, who is, like you, but a lemur on this crazy carousel of happiness, so to speak.
So let's start with these basic, all-important truths: It's fun to drink, and it's also fun to do stuff that isn't drinking. It's fun to stay in and also to go out. Sometimes all the above are not fun. You should do what you want to do.
Feeling refreshed yet?
But if you're catching feelings for me, that's not good. If you're printing out photos of me for your wall, just stop. Can we have a normal reader-writer relationship, like I used to have with so many before the fame?
Here's my advice: Have yourself a night and leave me the hell out of it. If you want to go out, do it. No one's stopping you, other than the bouncer. And if the bouncer turns you away, fuck 'em! Yell terrible, hurtful things at them, and become physically violent if need be.
I know that may sound arrestingly authentic to you, but please, please relax. I can give you wisdom about nightlife, but let's leave it there. I can almost see my line about the bouncer being mass manufactured on T-shirts as we speak, and it's giving me the creeps.
It's my sincere hope that this column has you ready to roll, nightlife-wise. I just want you to focus on yourself and what you want — not on the beautiful icon who helped get you there.
Can you do that for me, sweet thing? Can you learn how to get what you want out of the night, and in so doing release me from the mind prison of my celebrity?
Alex Burness: twitter.com/alex_burness