Freshmen, class of 2022 (or 2026 if you're on the party circuit), you're what some old people are tagging the "Right Now" generation. You have readily available information for nearly everything (including an impressive collection of free porn) at your fingertips, making you well-educated individuals.
But that doesn't mean you escape horny hormones or getting caught up in a moment when a split-second decision could make for a life-changing event — like a human growing in the uterus or a blast of sexually transmitted infections permeating your being. (So colorful and pretty.)
Now that you're out of the parent trap, you'll be exploring new things in college: surprisingly delicious cafeteria food (seriously, CU's on the ball), a large wild animal that does football stadium laps on Saturdays and the art of getting bent over in the library stacks.
While flaunting your adult, if you plan to embark on a career of non-abstinence, we have some tips for safety, learning about HELL YES consent (nothing less, really) and how to squeeze a sausage into its casing.
And remember to be a decent human being and always (ALWAYS) get a firm "yes" for consent on both sides. If someone isn't into it, stuff your horny in a sack and relieve yourself later in the closet. Rape and assault are not needed in a world that's struggling for peace against violence. If you are a victim or witness of sexual assault, there are various resources and information listed below.
As for casing a sausage, maybe call a butcher. What do I look like, a meat processing plant? (That's what it says in the men's room.)
Be safe out there, Gen Z.
1900 Wardneburg Drive
Wardenburg is your own little hospital on campus. It offers a full range of health and wellness services for when you get sick, have an anxiety attack or need some birth control. The health center is stuffed full of resources and friendly providers, so don't be afraid to pay them a visit.
The Sexual and Reproductive Health Clinic has a gynecologist, nurse practitioners, a registered nurse and health care technicians, and it offers annual exams, birth control consultations, emergency contraception, HPV vaccinations, STI testing, pregnancy testing and more. At this time, the Sexual and Reproductive Health Clinic is only equipped to provide care to female and trans patients, but male students can receive sexual and reproductive health care in the Medical Clinic. Visit colorado.edu/health/services/sexualhealth.
Health Promotion offers free condoms (roll-on and internal), lubrication, and information about proper condom use. They also have nitrile and latex gloves, and instructions on how to make an effective cape or a dental dam. These resources can be used as an effective birth-control method and to prevent disease. Visit colorado.edu/health/promotion.
Sexually transmitted infection (STI) testing is available by appointment with a health care provider and is covered by the Gold and Campus Care health plans. Walk-in testing is available — and may be nice for those without CU insurance as it doesn't include a visit with a health care provider. Test results are documented in the student's medical record and STI testing results are ready the following day in most cases. For tests that are positive, a Wardenburg nurse will call the student to discuss the results and make recommendations for follow-up care and treatment options. Visit colorado.edu/health/sti.
Gender and Sexuality Center
The center supports students, faculty and staff who identify along the spectrum of gender and sexual orientation, including those who are questioning and exploring their identities, and those who identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex and asexual (LGBTQIA) as well as their allies.
The Gender and Sexuality Center offers free sexual health resources such as internal and external condoms and lube. Visit colorado.edu/gsc.
Related CU resources
Women's Resource Center creates an environment where women will thrive, develop leadership skills and work for equality on campus. It offers sexism training, craft parties (knitting circles, etc.), guest speakers, film screenings and various events. Students can also confidentially report if they've experienced or witnessed harmful incidents. Visit colorado.edu/wrc.
Office of Victim Assistance offers free and confidential support, information, advocacy and short-term counseling for students. OVA can help with bias-motivated incidents, sexual harassment and discrimination, intimate partner abuse, physical assault and hazing, sexual assault, stalking, harassment and more. OVA offers online or in-person confidential reporting. Visit cuvictimassistance.com.
Counseling and Psychiatric Services offers confidential mental and psychiatric services for various concerns including: academics, anxiety, body image, depression, relationships, substance use and more. Visit colorado.edu/health/counseling.
• Planned Parenthood, 200 Arapahoe Ave., Boulder, 303-447-1040
• Boulder Valley Women's Health, 2855 Valmont Road, Boulder, 303-442-5160
• Boulder County Public Health, 3450 Broadway, Boulder, 303-441-1100
• Boulder County AIDS Project (BCAP), 2118 14th St., Boulder, 303-444-6121
• Moving to End Sexual Assault (MESA), 2336 Canyon Blvd., Suite 103, Boulder, 303-443-0400
• 24 Hour Rape Crisis & Information Hotline, 303-443-7300
Christy Fantz: twitter.com/fantzypants