Anyone who doesn't like pizza, come here. For those who can't see, I'm grabbing them by the ear, shoving them inside a circus face-hole cutout thingy (the scientific term) and hurling pizza pies at their face in rapid succession.
Like I'd do that. What a sad waste of pizza. Instead I'll just side-eye mad-dog you while I fold New York-style slices in half and shotgun them faster than a beer.
Pizza is the nuts and bolts of a college student's diet (nuts). Roll home after bombing a final? Order a pizza. Wake up with "poop" written on your forehead in Sharpie? Get a slice (and cut some bangs). Take the wrong bus after a night of partying, and end up walking 16 miles home because you can't figure out how to download Lyft? Pizza (and a technology class). Bingeing on "Degrassi: The New Class" (you would) instead of writing that 20,000-word paper? PIZZA.
Here are some pizza joints to check out around town. Eat at local shops instead of delivery chains — you won't be disappointed.
2761 Iris Ave.: 11 a.m.-9 p.m. Sunday-Thursday, 11 a.m.-10 p.m. Friday-Saturday
637 S. Broadway: 11 a.m.-9:30 p.m. Monday-Saturday, 11 a.m.-9 p.m. Sunday
Created by a true New Yawker (and CU grad), these giant slices are foldable, New York City Neapolitan. The dough is fresh, slices start at $3 and whole pies are available for delivery.
2675 13th St.: 11 a.m.-8 p.m. Tuesday-Saturday, noon-8 p.m. Sunday, closed Mondays.
Owner Audrey uses a mother dough and a three-day aging process for a delicious crust. A mother dough is also known as pre-ferment or sourdough starter. But you knew that. I just found that out from Google. Also, you're a mother dough. Slices start at $3.
1129 13th St.: 10 a.m.-2:30 a.m. Wednesday-Saturday, 10 a.m.-10 p.m. Sunday-Tuesday, summer hours vary; delivery hours are 10 a.m.-10 p.m. Sunday-Wednesday, 10 a.m.-1:30 a.m. Friday-Saturday.
Craving some chicken and waffle pizza? Or how about a Ron Swanson with all the beefs. ("I'm worried what you just heard was, 'Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.' What I said was, 'Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.' Do you understand?") The New York-style pizza spot is across from campus on the Hill. Slices start at $3.25.
1647 Arapahoe Ave., 10:30 a.m.-midnight daily
Eat in or order delivery, but just eat. Opened by a Brooklyn native, the spot sits across from Boulder High. Slices start at $2.75, so try the homemade sausage and house-made mozzarella (sausage).
1325 Broadway: pick-up only 11 a.m.-2 a.m. daily
659 30th St.; pick-up and delivery 11 a.m.-2 a.m. daily
Cosmo's Pizza is that haul-ass-after-last-call-and-snag-a-slice kind of joint, since both Boulder locations are open until 2 a.m. every day of the week. The New York-style pies start at $10 for a basic 14-incher and include a wide amount of toppings up to a 24-inch pie. If you walk out of there without Cosmo's famous homemade spicy ranch, you're fired. FIRED.
801 Pearl St., 11 a.m.-8:30 p.m daily
It's like Papa Murphy's but founded in Boulder. Papa Murphy's was founded in Washington. And Boulder is better. So take 'n' bake the hell out of a fresh made-to-order pizza. You can even cook with your pants off.
3060 Pearl Parkway: 11 a.m.-9 p.m. Sunday-Wednesday, 11 a.m.-10 p.m. Thursday, 11 a.m.-11 p.m. Friday-Saturday
Build your own New York or Sicilian-style pies, starting at $10. Choose a specialty pie, or order a slice to go. The pizzas are made with fresh ingredients and crafted by the family-owned business. Aw. Hugs.
2299 Pearl St.: 9 a.m.-11 p.m. Monday-Saturday, 11 a.m.-9 p.m. Sunday, delivery 10 a.m.-11:30 p.m.
Need a pizza with that log of firewood and handle of Fireball? First of all, slap slap slap. Call me and I'll give you a lesson on real whiskey. Second, coming right up: The Sun Deli has a vast menu for delivery, including slices of pizza starting at $2.50 (and whole pies) -— and will even bring cigarettes and booze to your door. If you're of age, rascals. And take your pants off after the delivery pal leaves.
Put on pants for these fancier joints
Backcountry Pizza and Taphouse, 2319 Arapahoe Ave., kitchen hours: 11 a.m.-10 p.m. Monday-Thursday, 11 a.m.-11 p.m. Friday-Saturday, 10 a.m.-9 p.m. Sunday
Basta, 3601 Arapahoe Ave., 3601 Arapahoe Ave., 5-10 p.m. daily
Pizza Colore, 1336 Pearl St., 11 a.m.-10 p.m. Sunday-Wednesday, 11 a.m.-2:30 a.m. Thursday-Saturday
Pizzeria da Lupo, 2525 Arapahoe Ave., 11 a.m.-9:30 p.m. Sunday-Thursday, 11 a.m.-10:30 p.m. Friday-Saturday
Pizzeria Locale, 1730 Pearl St., 11:30 a.m.-10:30 p.m. Monday-Saturday, 11:30 a.m.-9 p.m. Sunday
Proto's Pizza, 4670 Broadway, 11 a.m.-9 p.m. Sunday-Thursday, 11 a.m.-10 p.m. Friday-Saturday
Christy Fantz: twitter.com/fantzypants