Taylor
Taylor

You've got so many questions: What are the best local acts? How do I get the most bang for my buck when it comes to speaker systems? How do blind people experience hallucinogens?

Duncan Taylor is the man to answer your questions (except maybe that last one). He's your dude on the inside of the audio equipment industry and a friendly face in the crowd at a concert.

Meet your new music buddy:

After a successful interview, the Gods of Small Annoyances have hired you as an entry-level deity. How will your worshipers praise your name?

I will be the God of Nailing Your Gum with an Overeager Toothbrush Stroke. My lady Goddess of Feeling It All Day will be by my side.

That astronomer friend who owes you $100 has discovered the large "Planet X" just beyond Pluto's orbit. She offers you naming rights to get out of debt. What's the name that'll go in future textbooks?

Planet Skrillex was going to be my choice. But then the old ego started to bloom, and I realized it can only be Planet Duncan. And there can be only one.

After years of research and maniacal laughter, you've finally created a terrifying hybrid of plant and animal. It's alive! Dear god, what have you done?

I've made a huge tiny mistake. I was aiming for a moving creature with plant-like skin that could produce its own oxygen, but I ended up with this pitiful, stationary, wailing demon of a rooted chupacabra that I can still hear when I lay my head down to sleep at night. I have no clue what to do next.


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Oh no! You're missing a finger. How did that happen?

Well. I uh ... I'm what you might call a chronic degenerate gambler. I'm also missing three toes, two cars and every baseball card I ever owned. And I have a tattoo of someone else's face on my chest. Life is what you make of it, that's what I always say.

You have died and become a ghost. (My condolences.) What place or object do you haunt, and how do you express your otherworldly frustration?

After a stressful day of listening to new music through a stadium-grade speaker setup, Duncan Taylor relaxes with a hot tub dog massage.
After a stressful day of listening to new music through a stadium-grade speaker setup, Duncan Taylor relaxes with a hot tub dog massage. (Courtesy Duncan Taylor)

I would haunt the monthly flood warning sirens and announcer lady voice that rockets around the foothills. It's already 100 percent creepy sounding, but the words are oddly soothing — "This ... is just ... a test ..."

All I would do is change up the words a bit.

"This ... is your last ... chance ..."

"It ... all ends ... today ..."

The U.S. Treasury announces it will begin issuing 7-dollar bills. Whose face will be on it?

Obviously Trump's face; $7 is ridiculous.

What new musical genre will take over the charts in 2018?

Dumb music for angry idiots. No, really — it will be tongue-in-cheek when it's introduced by musicians united against the current administration. But then it will be picked up and worn as a badge of honor by those who similarly publish 1,000 eye-popping tweets in six months. It combines the monster bass drops of hyper EDM with the three power chord musical magic of a strung out punk band. It will be one guy on stage with a guitar and a laptop and a horde of angry backup dancers.

Centuries from now, only five words remain legible on your grave. What are they?

"Here ... defeated ... magma ... boxing ... evermore."

Read more Taylor: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk him: instagram.com/duncanxmusic.