I'm a breakfast hater. I don't get it. I'm the only writer in this whole fucking place who hates breakfast and yet, here I am again, writing in the Colorado Daily, telling you people about breakfast.
What do you people see in breakfast for Christ's sake? What does our generation really actually ENJOY (clapping emoji) ABOUT (clapping emoji) BRUNCH?! (hot nostril emoji)
Breakfast and I, we're the Montagues and the Capulets. We're Hamilton and Burr. We're Elizabeth I and Mary, Queen of Scots. We don't understand each other, and one of us will likely kill the other.
For one, I do not like eggs. I would not like them scrambled, I would not like them over easy, I would not like them sunny side up. I do not like eggs, Sam-I-Am.
But fine, if you people want your GODDAMN CHICKEN BUTT MORSELS SO BAD, here's where you can get 'em. Leave me be. I'll be asleep, like a reasonable person.
Moe's Broadway Bagel
Where: 3267 28th St.
Hours: 5:30 a.m. to 3 p.m. daily
Where: 3075 Arapahoe Ave.
Hours: 5:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. daily
Where: 2650 Broadway
Hours: 5:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. daily
Despite my objections to breakfast, bagels are A-OK in my book. Sure, you could ruin them with eggs, but you could also dip them in delicious hummus or just use them as bread in a scrumptious sandwich. No one's ever gonna be mad at a sandwich bread.
When you walk into Moe's, you will be greeted by aggressively cheerful flower logos and an expansive menu that includes every way to have a bagel ever conceived by man. You want some artichoke Parmesean cream cheese? They got it. Do you want a deluxe breakfast sandwich with bacon, egg, ham, cheese and a jalepeño? Of course you do!
Order a burrito with Colorado green chile for later and then wash it all down with an iced chai and you're all ready to pretend to be productive for the day.
True to Boulder form, they offer gluten-free selections.
Where: 2716 28th St.
Hours: 7 a.m. to 2 p.m. Monday-Friday; 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. Saturday-Sunday
Where: 1333 Broadway
Hours: 7 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. daily
I mean, Jesus Christ, the place's motto is "Where the folks get their yolks!" You don't get any more adorable than an egg pun greeting you first thing in the morning.
I also appreciate that their breakfast hours last until 2 p.m. to accommodate the morning-challenged such as myself.
If eggs are your thing, I don't think you can go wrong at Dot's. They've got omelets! They've got huevos rancheros! They've got traditional breakfast plates with two eggs, bacon and the works.
You want a big plate of saag tofu or chicken masala first thing in the morning? They've got that, too, for some reason. Don't question the Nepali menu! Just enjoy that gift horse.
And because when Americans say "breakfast," we actually just mean "first desserts," you can satisfy your sweet tooth with a cinnamon roll, banana bread or pancakes.
They even have breakfast items to satisfy egg skeptics such as myself. I like to think of myself as a biscuit and gravy connoisseur, and Dot's has some of the best this side of the state line. Order some ham and hashbrowns a la carte and chow down.
Gluten-free options are available. They accept cards but prefer cash, so hit up the ATM the night before.
Where: 1617 Pearl St.
Hours: 7 a.m.-3 p.m. daily
The name is a bit of misnomer, because if you actually hit snooze on your alarm, you likely won't get a table at this popular brunchery before next Tuesday.
No saving seats, either. They're a first-come, first-served place that is incredibly popular with our brunch-obsessed generation.
But once you get a table, be prepared to be plied with all sorts of egg benedict, if that's your thing. The waitstaff is attentive and knowledgable about every egg concoction under the sun, and there are even a few options for the egg-challenged among us.
Snooze is not where you go to get a no-frills-yet-delicious biscuit and gravy plate. Snooze is where you go to get the Bella! Bella! Benny, which is prosciutto, Taleggio cheese and poached eggs on a ciabatta bun and topped with cream cheese hollandaise, balsamic glaze and ... wait for it ... arugula.
You'd be a shoo-in on "Chopped" with that dish.
Chase it all down with a Brewmosa (just use your imagination) or a peach bellini, which you cannot — unfortunately — order in an IV drip.
Where: 2124 14th St.
Hours: 7 a.m. to 2 p.m. Monday-Friday, 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. Saturday-Sunday
I don't know who Lucile is, but she's a goddamned genius. Colorado is proud of its barely-spicy green chile and its overpriced craft beer, but Lucile's decided to liven up the Wonderbread culture with some creole.
*Puts on "Daddy Lessons" and "Formation" by Beyonce to prepare for breakfast.*
The Eggs Pontchartrain sounds killer — fresh pan-fried mountain trout, poached eggs and béarnaise sauce (which is hollandaise sauce's mean cousin). Lucille's also has a variety of other cajun-inspired fare, like New Orleans-style French toast and a creole omelette, along with more standard breakfast items.
Or get the New Orleans Praline Waffle. Pecans are in the batter, people! Sound the alarm. It comes with praline syrup. Good God, man, what did we do to deserve such a good idea?
Or get some shrimp and grits. Have you seen that elsewhere on a menu in Boulder County? Stop thinking; you have not.
Wash it all down with table-side fresh-squeezed orange juice or grapefruit juice (*stares into the middle-distance just thinking about it*).
Where: 2600 Canyon Blvd.
Hours: 6:30 a.m. to 2 p.m. Monday-Friday; 7 a.m. to 2 p.m. Saturday-Sunday
Despite this place's name, they do prefer you wear clothing to eat your breakfast. Once you're there and clothed, definitely give the pecan caramel quesadilla a try. You heard me. Pecan. Caramel. Quesadilla.
Or go for some more traditional fare like eggs benedict, skillets or buffaquiles. Wait, what was that last one? Chile con carne, cheddar, two basted eggs, sour cream and guac on a crunchy bed of tortilla chips smothered in pork green chili. Besides the eggs, it sounds like everything I love on one plate.
They've got 99-cent mimosas, tequila sunrises and bloody marys, too!
The menu also has vegetarian options for those not into snacking on tasty animals, as well as some gluten-free items if thoughts of wheat fill your gut with intense dread.
Alas, you are likely to wait for a table, with long waits common on weekends. It's worth it, though.
Karen Antonacci: twitter.com/ktonacci