If you like schmaltzy, stabby, or simpleminded films, springtime is your jam, friendo. This is when Hollywood generally dumps its worst stuff into theatres, so you won't find much in the way of Oscar fodder. Still, if you're a fan of horror, rom-coms or zombie-beaver movies, get ready, 'cause this ain't funny, my name's Mike D and I'm about to make money. Er, I mean you'll be happy.
Below is just a taste of what's coming to screens over the next few months. Next month, we'll give you the whole sack of burritos.
PG-13 | Sci-Fi, Thriller
A murder of high schoolers (is that the proper collective noun?) build and use a time machine, first selfishly (winning the lotto, impressing the cute girl, etc.) and later guiltily — to undo messes they made. Stars Amy Landecker, Sofia Black-D'Elia, Virginia Gardner and some dudes. (Jan. 30)
PG-13 | Action/Adventure, Sci-Fi
Lowly janitor, Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis), discovers extraterrestrials exist, she's the rightful heir to Earth, and that an alien businessman (Eddie Redmayne) and the Queen of the Universe want her dead. Big day. Thankfully, the alien bounty hunter (Channing Tatum) sent to kill her, changes his mind. This flick marks a return to original sci-fi screenplays by Matrix franchise creators, Andy and Lana Wachowski, and is slated as the first in a trilogy. [Insert "Uranus Ascending" joke here.] (Feb. 6)
"Fifty Shades of Grey"
R | Drama, Romance
No idea what this book was about; I only ready the dirty parts. I can say there's a rich dude (Jamie Dornan) who's into BDSM chasing a mousy girl (Dakota Johnson) and then they get it on, but this isn't something I wanna watch with my gramma or my girlfriends. And if John Oliver won't watch it with me, then I'll skip it altogether. #notmychristian (Feb. 13)
"Hot Tub Time Machine 2"
R | Comedy, Sequel
Lou "Father of the Internet" (Rob Corddry) is assassinated, forcing the boys (Adam Scott, Craig Robinson and Clark Duke) to hop back into the hot tub time machine and save him. But they accidentally end up in the future. And then they do a little time-hopping. Then Robinson sings a Lisa Loeb song. Chevy Chase is in the flick, too. But no John Cusack this soak around. (Feb. 20)
"The Lazarus Effect"
PG-13 | Horror, Thriller
Mark Duplass, Olivia Wilde, Donald Glover and a few other scientists work on a super-sketchy project — resurrecting the dead. They start with a dog, and that doesn't go well, seeing as how the dog wants to eat their faces off. But then Ms. Wilde dies in an accident and Duplass brings her back. "But what does she bring back?" you ask. She brings back HELL.(Feb. 27)
NR | Action, Sci-Fi, Thriller
In what appears to be a mash-up of "Robocop" and "Short Circuit," Dev Patel (who plays Neal Sampat on "The Newsroom") creates a cop/robot with a conscience. This pisses Hugh Jackman off because his robot/man teams will become defunct. Sigourney Weaver is also concerned, probably because she's seen all the "Terminator" films. All kidding aside, this is from writer/director Neal Blomkamp, the wunderkind behind "District 9." (Mar. 6)
"Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension"
R | Horror, Sequel
There are ghosts in this one. (Mar. 13)
PG-13 | Sci-Fi
In Numero Dos of the "Divergent" series, Tris (Shailene Woodley) and Four (Theo James) must fight evil Jeanine (Kate Winslet), figure out what Abnegation sacrificed themselves for — and save the world. Robert Schwentke takes over as director from Neil Burger, and Octavia Spencer and Naomi Watts join the cast as Johanna and Evelyn, respectively. (Mar. 20)
NR | Horror (Comedy)
Pretty people who clearly hate shirts decide to take a cabin trip to a lake where the beavers are zombies. I'm not sure what else is needed here. It's directed by Jordan Rubin? (Mar. 20)
R | Comedy
Richie-rich captain of industry. James King (Will Ferrell). is busted on fraud and embezzlement charges and, faced with 10 years in a maximum-security prison, turns to his one-time valet, Darnell (Kevin Hart) to help him "get hard" enough to survive inside. It's gonna be dopey, dumb, possibly offensive and fill the theaters. (Mar. 27)
"While We're Young"
NR | Comedy
Naomi Watts and Ben Stiller star as a middle-aged couple considering having baby who, after meeting a couple in their mid-20s(Amanda Seyfried and Adam Driver), decide they'd rather go a little wild first. Anything written and directed by Noah Baumbach is typically worth the watch. (Mar. 27)
PG-13 | Action
Vin Diesel gathers his buddies and cars and boobies and guns, seeking revenge on the bastard that killed his brother. Jason Statham joins the mix. (Apr. 3)
"Age of Adeline"
NR | Drama
Adeline (Blake Lively) was born in 1908, and in 1935, crashed her car into a river and was struck by lightning simultaneously. Somehow, this makes her impervious to aging, and so throughout the years, she watches her children grow old and die, and lives a very long, very lonely life as a forever hottie. UNTIL! She meets a beautiful bearded dude named Ellis (Michiel Huisman) and decides he's worth giving up immortality. Apparently her beard goggles are as bad as mine. (Apr. 24)
"Mad Max: Fury Road"
NR | Action
George Miller's epic story of post-apocalyptic Australia continues a good 30 years after the last installment, this time starring Tom Hardy in the title role. Charlize Theron plays Imperator Furiosa, a woman hell-bent on crossing the desert. The cinematography looks downright operatic. Regardless of what happens with the plot, I'll be seeing this in the theater. (May 15)
NR | Action
Now that summer's right around the corner, cue disaster flicks! The San Andreas Fault, long overdue to rip California in half, is the star of Brad Peyton's film, starring Dwayne — say it with me now — "The Rock" Johnson, Alexandra Daddario, Carla Gugino and Paul Giamatti. (May 29)
Jeanine Fritz is funny. Read her weekly column "I'm Not There" in the Colorado Daily on Mondays.