Liz Marsh pens the column "Under the Influence" for the Colorado Daily every other Tuesday. Her life insight and humorous tales take soulful turns and maybe a few necessary bitchslaps to callousness. We all know that's needed, humanity. As George Costanza says, "You know, we're living in a society."

Get to know your pal Liz.

Describe what one day in your life looks like.

I spend a great deal of my time making sure my old dog, named The Puppy, is happy and comfortable. My day is bookended by an extra-long commute so that Puppy can spend the day with my retired parents. I imagine they all nap... a lot.

What would you do for a Klondike bar?

Liz Marsh, a sweet dress, a pretzel necklace and a large beer.
Liz Marsh, a sweet dress, a pretzel necklace and a large beer. (Courtesy photo)

Murder, arson, forgery, assault, grand-theft auto, piracy, embezzlement, whatever it takes!

Wait, what?

I'm an adult and my biggest problem is that I forgot about Klondike bars? You mean I could just walk my happy ass down to the neighborhood convenience store and buy myself a Klondike bar? Oh, OK.

Well nothing then.

Would you rather lick a hospital's doorknobs or slurp a booze shot off of a bar floor?

Either. I'm indestructible. As a child I made my sister dare me to lick the bottom of my shoe after we had walked around New York City all day.

The conversation went something like this:

"Do you dare me to lick my shoe?" she asked.

"OK, fine! I'll do it!"


I didn't die, but I did walk away convinced that I have the greatest immune system of all mankind. The only thing threatening it now is the disgusting petri dish that is my 1-year-old niece. I feel like I've had a low grade virus since El Disgusto Jr. was born.

What are your thoughts on hashtags?

Apparently I'm 100 years old because I don't tweet and my hashtags are few and far between. That being said, there is one hashtag near and dear to my heart. My beautiful baby niece is kind of a dick. We started the hashtag #Virginiasnotimpressed because Virginia is never impressed. Ever. First snow, street tacos, Times Square, lobster dinner. Each photo of these momentous occasions is marked with a baby scowl and the family hashtag.

What's the most important thing in your life right now?

I feel compelled to say my friends and family, my nieces and nephews, my job, my dog. But really it's my tiny little house. I'm not sure my house was ever meant for human habitation, but it's absolutely perfect for The Puppy and I. Sometimes if I'm having a hard time, I buy myself a new sweater and it makes me feel better. But you can't see a sweater from Google Earth. My tiny, weird house is the best pick-me-up purchase I have ever made.

Would you rather have world peace or $1 million?

World Peace. I have a crippling attachment to humanity. I can't even enjoy a party if I know that other people aren't having fun. If I took the million I would have to send my family on a nice vacation and use the rest of the $100 bills to dry my tears.

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