What in the name of Brooke Shields is going on here? If there’s any proof needed that men are scum, there was plenty of it this week.
Hello, children! I hope I haven’t frightened you with that querulous outburst. It’s just so tragic sometimes, Aunt Alfred has to hang her head.
Let me shoot you three names -Miley Cyrus, Emma Watson, and Mindy McCready. All right, what do the three have in common?
No, not that the talents of all three are limited and questionable although that is true, also.
It’s that these poor young things have been targeted by the slavering pervs that constitute our straight male population. Quelle horreur! The mainstream media’s promotion of child porn is alive and strong, thanks.
The 15-year-old “Hannah Montana” star professes to be embarrassed by the Vanity Fair photos Annie Leibovitz took of her. Methinks she doth protest too much, dears. After all, our girl isn’t getting any younger. Sooner or later, the child star becomes sexualized. Not a prob, ‘cept in our incredibly repressed culture, where the size of a man’s penis is inversely proportional to the size of his truck. We like ’em young – and unthreatening.
I’ve seen the Miley photos -and there are diner-menu photos that are more sexually arousing. You see what you want to see, children. Don’t worry – if this kid can survive being the daughter of Mr. Achy-Breaky, she’ll make the transition to legitimate masturbatory icon just fine.
Just please, God, not like Brittany and Lindsay. Not that.
THEN there’s Hermione, I mean, Emma Watson. She’s been 18 for, oh, about 10 minutes when you losers started snapping pictures of her personal area. And posting them on line. Once again, you can’t see a thing, but for all those who have Barely Legal bookmarked on your Favorites, it’s a wet dream come true. I guess.
Cut it out! Trust me, there’s no way to make that trapezoid look appealing. Eew. What’s the attraction, fellas? Don’t go there.
And oh, Roger Clemens, what were you thinking? You just couldn’t keep your hands off the candy -then-15-year-old Mindy McCready. A wife? Two kids? Too complicated for the Rocket, so he picked up a girlfriend without a driver’s license. Well, we never saw you pitch through more than 5 innings at a time, you freak.
Why don’t you go take a seat in Hell next to Josef Fritzl, the 73-year-old Austrian who imprisoned his daughter in the basement and knocked her up seven times?
We know grown-up women are a challenge. An -enormous -challenge. But trust us, it’s better to deal with them than with someone who needs a booster chair during sex.
Older, better
Take some of today’s birthdays. Three foxy ladies are in the spotlight:
Kate Mulgrew. Girl, you survived “Mrs. Columbo.” You made it through “Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins”! And triumphed in your interstellar catsuit in “Voyager.” We salute you!
Michelle Pfeiffer. “Grease II.” “Grease II.” Wow.
They overdubbed you in “Ladyhawke.” You didn’t give up. You landed some good roles, and now that’s you’re getting decrepit, you’re still hot. We love you, Velma Von Tussle Mach II.
And last but by no means least: Eve Plumb. After your inspired, tortured portrait of Jan Brady, there was nowhere to go but down. You were Dawn in “Dawn: Portrait of a Teenage Runaway” – and in “Alexander: The Other Side of Dawn”! Then were drawn back, inexorably, into the horrible “Brady” sequels, spin-offs and TV-movie follow-ups (note to self: she did refuse to appear on “The Brady Bunch Hour”).
Through it all, you kept your chin up and blossomed into womanhood. Now you say, “As I get older, I’m finding out I really don’t care what you think of me.”
Let your freak flag fly, darling!
Now, let’s all hook up with age-appropriate partners. Shall we?
