Trey Anastasio of the group Phish performs Friday for the first time in five years at the Hampton Coliseum for the first of three concerts by the reunited group in Hampton, Va.
Trey Anastasio of the group Phish performs Friday for the first time in five years at the Hampton Coliseum for the first of three concerts by the reunited group in Hampton, Va.

BOULDER, Colo. –

Guess who won the Red Rocks lottery this week?

That’s right — yours truly.

For a mere $90 down — which instantly turned into $120, thanks to some decidedly inconvenient “convenience charges” from Ticketmaster — I am now the proud owner of two “magic tickets” to Phish’s summer shows at the Morrison amphitheater, thanks to the pre-sale lottery on Phish.com.

I hope I’m using that term correctly. A friend recently explained that “magic ticket” is a Phish phan term for obtaining free admittance to a show simply by waiting in the parking lot long enough for fate to make it happen.

I know. I originally assumed it was an LSD reference, too.

But now that we’ve cleared that up, if you are in the market for a magic ticket, fate might just be kind enough to send me in your direction — and all for the for the low, low price of $200.

Now, some of you might be thinking, “Hey Lance, that’s scalping. Didn’t you read the band’s official stance on scalping when you signed up for the lottery?”

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I recall something about scalping being “prohibited,” and that the tickets are intended “only for fans who plan on attending the show” — and a number of other terms I found surprisingly fascist for a band at the center of the post-hippie movement.

And, in response to that policy, I have “a few choice words on scalping” of my own: If you get the chance, you should totally do it.

Seriously, you can really make a lot of money off these patchouli-covered trust-fund burnouts.

(Stay tuned — more unfounded hippie stereotypes to come.)

First of all, I’d like to discuss the term “scalping” for a second, because I find it to be just a bit excessive. I mean, since when did it become fair to compare the consensual negotiation of a sold-out concert ticket to the act of ripping someone’s hair out by the root with the aid of a dull knife?

That’s like comparing an eBay auction to the Trail of Tears. It doesn’t add up.

Need I remind you that it’s been 10 years since Phish last played Red Rocks?

Apparently, fans went so apeshit over the last performance that the venue gave them a decade’s worth of time out to think about what they did.

Can anyone really argue that higher ticket prices might give the fans more incentive to just chill out and enjoy the show rather than tear off their patchwork pants and go trolling around Morrison scaring babies?

“Yeah, man, I bet we could tip over Chad’s VW bus, and it would be hilarious when he found it like that — but I paid 500 bucks for this seat, so I’m just gonna stay put.”

More importantly, however, is the bigger picture.

Phish is one of the most popular bands in the world. They are scheduled to play four nights at Red Rocks, and they are guaranteed to sell out every show.

At this point, it’s simply a matter of basic supply and demand. Both Phish and Red Rocks already have maximized their profits, and the demand for tickets still far exceeds the supply.

Especially in these hard economic times, if the opportunity to cash in on good ol’ capitalism presents itself, it’s in your best interest to seize that mofo.

That said — let’s start the bidding, shall we?

Do I hear $200?

I for one vote to live in a dog-eat-dog world where we can freely worship the Freedman school, the free market, and the almighty dollar. In these trying days, we should certainly rely on, and look out for number one, and always strive for that idealistic,efficient outcome where supply always meets demand, even if it means pissing on your fellow humans. You just made Mr. Burns happy.

As someone who was fortunate enough to score 2 four-day passes for face value, it gives me much pleasure to be the first to say “I lay this hate on you.”

boulderjosh

3/27/2009 8:48:21 PM