The Yeti is full of advice and anger.

E ach week, the Yeti reaches into his mailbag and answers advice questions from geniuses and idiots alike. Send your questions to the Yeti at doctoryeti@coloradodaily.com or chat him up on Twitter at @doctoryeti and receive your own custom-tailored response from the only crytozoological creature to fully embrace the digital revolution.

Dear Yeti,

Certain members of my family usually stay past their welcome during the holidays. What should I do?

— Jenny

Human Jenny:

Raid their village and eat their livestock.

Condolences,

Yeti

Dear Yeti,

I can’t stand all of this “Twitter” and “Facebook” and ridiculous technology everywhere. How do you avoid it? I am pretty sure it’s causing the end of our civilization.

— Jared

Human Jared:

Well, Yeti suggest human stop whining. It very unattractive. It make human look less delicious.

You think Yeti survive all these year by avoiding technology? Far from it. Yeti early adopter. Yeti try as many different gadget and form of communication as possible (except texting; Yeti not yet find phone with uncrushable keyboard).

Yeti think human really only upset with friend who become addicted to these form of communication for reason human not understand. Yeti suggest human take a class with all the other grannies. Many community college and high school offer basic computer skills class, and maybe it good for you to get out of the house for a minute.

As for ending civilization, no, that actually because of something else. But since human not ask about that, Yeti go ahead and leave that for future column. Maybe Yeti give you a hint, though: It because human very stupid.

Condolences,

Yeti

Dear Yeti,

Boulder is kind of a transient town — people are always moving to it, then away from it. So the weather is a constant conversation piece. “Can you believe this weather?” Yet, if you’ve lived here for more than a few years, you really can believe it. In fact, you’ve gotten into a rhythm with it. What can we do, as long-time Boulderites, to help people understand the weather in a fast way?

— Fernk Klem

Human… Fernk:

First of all, Yeti like your name. Second, yes, weather in Boulder difficult for most human to understand. Yeti never really notice this, though, because of so many other thing that human not understand. Like science, for example. Human not very observant.

But yes, Boulder weather a topic of human conversation ever since Yeti can remember. Here general rules about Boulder weather: Sunny most of the time, with three seasons: summer, gotcha and winter. “Gotcha” is season that nature make up after it invest in coat rack company. In gotcha, temperatures swing between 0 and 65 hilariously, forcing human to take different weight of coat everywhere it goes.

Of course, human could just grow out own coat — oh wait, no, human genetically inferior.

Condolences,

Yeti

blog comments powered by Disqus