Chris Pizzello
Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard are engaged.

Marrying down [mar-ee-ing doun] verb: Tying the knot with an individual who is of lower caliber than you.

Origin: 32,000 to 33,000 years ago. Think cavemen.

See here: Brittany Murphy/Simon Monjack, Angelina Jolie/Billy Bob Thornton, Julia Roberts/Lyle Lovett, Dita Von Tesse/Marilyn Manson.

More Headaches

Christy Fantz dishes the dirt daily on her Hollywood Headaches blog.

Now entering this circle: Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard.

However, perhaps Hollywood Headaches should pop a Xanax, because this couple does actually seem rather cute:

“There is almost nothing, barring a natural disaster, that I would let eat into my time at home, playing Scrabble with Dax or talking to my girlfriends,” Bell said in an interview with Women’s Health.

My apologies.

Consider a gift basket filled with paper bags and whiskey on its way.

Rip got tore up

This past weekend, actor Rip Torn got tanked and allegedly broke into a bank in Connecticut with a loaded gun.

Here’s the best part: He thought he was home.

The 78-year-old actor took off his hat and boots, left them by the door and incoherently wandered around the lobby, according to police.

He was found caressing the plush tile while asking if it wanted a treat. (Fine, maybe not that far.)

But when the cops did arrive, police said Torn — whose blood-alcohol content reportedly was 0.203 percent — reeked of alcohol and kept asking the troopers why they were taking him out of his home.

Well, in his defense…

Hmmm. Defense. I got nothing.

Will Ferrell’s poor kids

Will Ferrell and his wife Viveca Paulin welcomed their third child last week.

They named him Axel. Ferrell’s eldest child is named Magnus.

While smoking a blunt, it appears Ferrell ripped a page from Thor’s Norse mythology diary to conjure up these monikers.

“Viveca! Let’s name him Magnus! Where’s the meatloaf!”

(I like to imagine Ferrell in his fictitious roles.)

“Hey daddy! Axel stole my winged helmet and shield of armor!”

“Well you took his animal-skin coat and war accoutrements, Magnus! Now go get me a fresh PBR!”

Those poor children. Will, you have disappointed me.

Don’t let it happen again.

Samantha Harris leaving DWTS


You shut your mouth.

I don’t watch “Dancing with the Stars.”

Who said that?

Fine, so maybe I have a once or twice.*

And those “few” (cough) shows I’ve perused, that Samantha Harris hostess chick — oh man — she is annoying.

That poor frog in her throat has been croaking to be released from her stiff neck for decades.

Good news!

For all those who watch DWTS (ahem, losers**), Harris is leaving the show to focus on her journalism degree and background — such as taking on more correspondent duties at “The Insider.”

“The Insider.” Journalism? Hmmm.

Hey Hollywood Headaches, you’re also a journalist.

Oh yeah. My bad. But I’m good. Seriously. That’s what it says in the men’s room.

*A season or two. Don’t judge.

**Let’s discuss Season 10. Meet me in the alley behind the Dumpster. Hey, I have a reputation to maintain.

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