Attention losers who loitered around town for spring break: It’s almost over. Time to put on a show.
Although sleeping in until 3 p.m. and eating through mom and dad’s fridge has been relaxing, that dent worn into the couch isn’t going to impress those friends.
Apology. You are not a loser, ahem.
But it is painful that all your friends went to Mexico, Florida, Paris, Moab and Las Vegas. They suck.
Here’s what to do: Make them jealous with an outlandish story about how epic that trip to (insert destination here) was.
Here are five tips on how to execute the plan.
Think this through. If the destination was Mexico, study the map. Google it. Learn about the town. The last thing needed is an acquaintance who stayed at the Playa Azul right next door to you. Whoops. Learn. Soak up the Wikipedia.
Day: If you went to Mexico, you’ll need some photos to prove it. Praise the Boulder Rez for bringing a sandy beach to Colorado. Head there this weekend and snap some photos (preferably away from snow patches). Night: Head to Denver and party at a hot and sweaty club where the guys are shirtless and the girls don tube tops. Dance on the bar. Do body shots. Take photos. Your life is awesome.
Latch on to one of those hot and sweaty girls/guys from said club and spark up a one-night romance. Take sexy photos while kissing them on the cheek and dirty dancing. Tell everyone you met a hot guy/girl from Manhattan who you’re now long-distance dating. Heed: Ensure this person is not marriage material. You cannot keep them. They will forever foil your fable.
There was a near-blizzard here this week. You can’t come back to school on Monday with that pasty, white skin. Hit up a tanning salon and crisp yourself to a bronze or get the fake tan-in-a-can and lather up a handful of times before Monday. Face it, you need color anyway. Jeez, you’re blinding us here.
Plaster that fabricated fairy tale all over Facebook in an album entitled: “My Life is Better Than Yours, Bitch.” Yeah, you’re that cool. Get creative and make a fake page for your “lover” and tag them in the photos. Hey! Then said alter ego can post how much they miss you on your wall! Wait, now you need therapy. Freak.