The Hit List: Some post-April Fool’s pranks
The Hit List: Some post-April Fool’s pranks

April Fool’s Day already came and went and you blew it.

Blew it! Not one good prank.

You suck.

However, it’s never too late to make people cry.

Make your loved ones panic, sweat, rage with fury or just plain old sob.

Note: These have all been tested by The Hit List personally. Proceed with caution.

1 Get wet

This is a fantastic one with the roomies. Tie a rubber band around the kitchen sink spray handle so when the water is activated, it sprays out of the nozzle instead of the faucet — directly drenching the operator. This is great to do when the roommate just got all primped for a night out. Just don’t be a moron and forget you did it before turning the faucet yourself. It’ll happen.

2 Knocked up

Ladies, pretending you are pregnant is a good one to pull on the boyfriend (or last month’s one-night stand). You tramp. Call honey dearest in a calm voice with some “very urgent news.” Proceed to work into a frenzied panic about how he said he was wearing protection. Conceivably, he’ll split one of two ways: hang up the phone or be compassionate. Halt the scheme at three minutes tops. Damn, you’re cruel.

3 In the clink

Mom and dad don’t find this one too humorous if you’ve already, ahem, had a stint in the slammer. Ah, screw it. It’s still funny. Work up the best weeping voice, call the parents and tell them they need to bail you out. I’ll leave the genius misdemeanor or felony in your inventive hands — but don’t drag the call on too long or mom will drop the phone and race to the nearest county jail. You’re a jerk.

4 Condiment swap

Go through the refrigerator and empty out all the condiments into Ziplock bags (chill out, mom and dad paid for them). Proceed with the following swap: mayonnaise = horseradish (or tartar sauce); ketchup = Sriracha; strawberry jam = salsa; Dijon mustard = caramel sauce; chocolate syrup = steak sauce. The handy dandy Ziplock bag can be cut at one of the corners for easy pouring. Man, you have way too much time on your hands.

5 Shower scare

Alright boys, time to get revenge for that faux bastard child out there. Purchase a 3-foot-tall plastic doll from Walmart (you know, the scary one with the eyes that close while lying down?). Drench the doll in fake blood (or lipstick) and hang it from a makeshift noose in the shower. Wait for the scream. It will be worth it. You’re so mean.