Chelsea Handler

Grey Goose, Chelsea Handler is in need of immediate assistance, you distilled French wheat delight.

Jesse James’ mistress is attacking her.

Akin to thinning the parents’ middle-shelf vodka with water in high school, Michelle “Bombshell” McGee is diluting her 15 minutes of bottom-shelf fame with Heidi Montag-esque publicity shams.

More Headaches

Christy Fantz dishes the dirt daily on her Hollywood Headaches blog.

Tangent: If my future illegitimate children *ever* dilute my liquor, hide them from me. They will not live unscathed.

McGee’s fighting armor came in the form of a computer screen and a Facebook account:

“You need to hire another midget to hold up those saggy boobies of yours… all that breast feeding from Chuy has really taken its toll.” (Chuy is Handler’s assistant.)

Yes, Chelsea initiated the brawl by poking fun at McGee on a blog and called her a “dumb bitch” on the show, but dude, that’s her job.

McGee should stick to her job of… what the hell does she do?

Straddle poles? Hail Hitler? Wreck homes? Play with needles? Screw your boyfriend? (Seriously. Call him.)

Note to celebs: If you leave anything but minty freshness (or vodka) in Chelsea’s mouth, you will get stabbed with that sharp tongue.

Mischa’s bad pants

Mischa Barton is getting flak for stepping out in a pair of unflattering jeans.

Granted, the tight pale yellow jeans were uglier than Tila Tequila’s soul and tighter than Justin Bieber’s bowl cut, but the tabloids have once again taken it too far by calling her fat.

If that girl has junk in her trunk, then the entire Midwest has a landfill in its back end.

Oh sweet, lovely, bipolar rag sheets. What dost thine desire from this poor lassie?

First, she’s too thin. Then, she has cheese curds on her ass. Next, her frailty is hazardous. Now, her belly is flabby.

(Neat! It’s like we’re inside Britney Spears’ Sybil-tinged brain.)

No wonder Barton wound up in the psych ward.

So when it’s time to lampoon her acting skills, call me. Otherwise, let her suck on that firehose-sized blunt and munch on Safeway.

A Jolie-Pitt-sized Easter

Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt and their colossal kinfolk reportedly rented an island off of Italy on Sunday for a private Easter egg hunt.

Word is, Maddox found a Maserati Gran Turismo convertible in his egg and Shiloh found a mullet, an army tanker and some G.I. Joe figures in hers.

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