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The Hit List: Let the ass kissing begin
michael balderas
The Hit List: Let the ass kissing begin

There’s one week of class left and you’ve recently been blowing off that one class.

It’s been painfully embarrassing to sneak into the back of the room eight minutes late while the group of 30 peers all turn around and look at you like a stranger.

Face it, you’ve been like three times since spring break.

The professor totally knows you suck. The time has come to start the hard core ass kissing before finals to raise that D average.

A random tip: They know where you were Tuesday at 4:20 p.m.

Here are five things to do to get the professor back on your good side.

1 Give a buzz

Take your teacher out for a bite at Half Fast Subs. Tell them you want to thank them for the knowledge they’ve bestowed upon you during your time at this fine institution. While there, buy them a beer (or six). Get them feeling a little fuzzy inside, but do not slip a roofie into their drink when they hit up the restroom. The buzz is when the serious ass kissing begins. Whatever you do, do not — I repeat — do not try to make out with them.

2 Give a gift

No, not an apple. That cliché was so third grade. College employees have long and strenuous days. We’re talking like a bottle of booze, a carton of cigarettes or a dime bag of weed. OK, kidding. We know they don’t, ahem, do drugs. Gift them with something meaningful. Perhaps a rare book in their line of work or a gift card to Vic’s Espresso. Coffee is a teacher’s best friend (if they pour a little whiskey in it when we’re not looking, more power to them.)

3 Give a compliment

Everybody loves flattery. There is not one person out there who doesn’t like hearing good words about themselves. Tell the prof you have learned more from them than anyone in your learning career. Their teaching style is innovative and productive. It’s like the information is syringed right into your bong resin-filled brain. How do they do it? They’re pure genius. Watch them blush. Easy, there — don’t overdo it. Now you just sound phony.

4 Have a heart to heart

Follow the professor out of class and help him/her carry their loads of stuff to the car. En route, start spilling about how difficult this semester has been due to family problems, depression, loud and partying roommates, insomnia, irritable bowel syndrome, what have you. However, do this in a productive manner. Nobody likes a whiner. Whatever you do, do not mention the five-day-a-week binge partying you’ve fallen custom to.

5 Get extra credit

Show the prof you are eager to bump your grade up and see it there is any type of extra work or extra credit you can do. Write a paper, take a make-up test, help grade quizzes, do their dishes, walk their dog, caress their thigh. Whatever you do, it’s worth it. After all, you need a damn 84 percent on the final to even pass the class. Since you’ve done all this sucking up, you don’t want to face them again next semester. Awkward.

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