Sean Kilpatrick
Make sure your bosses aren t reading about your escapades. Set that profile to private.

Since we all have Facebook accounts here, let’s get frank: We’re obnoxious.

Especially you with your pants around your ankles in your profile photo.

Granted, Facebook is a place to show off your fabulous fabricated lives to those you haven’t seen in years.

But the truth is, most of us think you’re annoying.

Here are five things not to do on Facebook. For my sake. Thanks.

If you don’t give a hoot, well then I can just “hide” you, sweet friend.

1 You are negative

Your significant other just dumped you, your car is broken and you can’t pay rent. Quit your bitching. That’s a decent month in this neck of the woods. That one douche bag whose status cries hourly about (fill in the blank) is bloody annoying. Turn that frown upside down! Think of that pint glass as half full. Now go top it off and shut the hell up.

2 You can cook

Super! You’ve become an amateur chef. That substandard iPhone photo of your seared ahi tuna on a bed of arugula, drizzled with homemade toasted sesame dressing is impressive and all (blah, blah, blah), but if we wanted our mouths to water, we would read the menu at happynoodlehouse.com or flip on the Food Channel. Too bad I prefer my bowl of Ramen with a side of “Gossip Girl.”

3 Your mom

You and your friends are jackasses. Don’t get me wrong, it’s awesome. Yes, telling homie Joe that his mom left her granny panties in your bed is funny as hell (we’re still laughing). You know what is even funnier? When Homie Joe’s mom comments on your comment. Whoops. What the H is with everyone and their literal mom on Facebook these days? Isn’t there an age limit here?

4 Dear blah

Unless you are writing a snail-mail letter to Granny, pray thee stop prefacing your status with “Dear” things. For example *bloody sigh*: Dear Sun, Thanks for coming out today. Love, Witty; Dear Flip-Flops, Please stop making me trip today. Love, Clever. Dear (fill in the inanimate object blank): This was cute for maybe one month last year. Love, Christy.

5 Easy there, boss

In the age of Google stalking, future employers will hunt you down. Unless you are on private, they will find you. And stalk you. And think you’re an idiot. Sure, our chuckles were stirred with your 4 a.m. post, “I just pissed myself,” but your future employer’s fancy probably wasn’t struck. Granted, we’ve all accidentally urinated in our pants. Some, ahem, more than others. But, (figuratively and literally) clean it up a little when looking for a job. Of course, when you’re established in said job and everybody loves you — revert to acting like a fool.

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