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Seth Wenig
Hollywood Headaches: Kirsten Dunst guilty of bad attire



Kirsten Dunst testified Tuesday against a man who allegedly collaborated in stealing her purse from her New York City hotel room in 2007.

Too bad the jurors found Dunst guilty of stinging the public eyeballs with vile attire.

She even had the nerve to don your grandma’s muumuu at the trial.

Jeez.

Celeb ‘Rehab’ needs rehab

In my version of the world, Tila Tequila and Jason Wahler play luminaries in a captivating reality show.

Oh dear. Hollywood Headaches’ calibration is sober.

Hold please while I roll up a National Enquirer and smoke it.

Apparently those two are the only ones who signed up for the next round of Dr. Drew’s VH1 reality show, “Celebrity Rehab.”

(Talk about sucking those 15 minutes anorexic.)

Consequently, the show has been postponed, according to TMZ.

TMZ also reports Lindsay Lohan was offered $1 million to star in the show, but she declined.

Damn. We would’ve been all over that.

No! Bad Hollywood Headaches! Go puff that damn ragsheet again.

Ellen a music mogul?

Oh why the hell not.

Ellen DeGeneres is starting a record label.

Her first act is that 12-year-old kid who did that one version of Lady Gaga’s “Paparazzi.”

I don’t feel like Googling his name because I don’t care.

If a comedian helps decide what singer you will worship for a year, then, dammit, I can be a lazy journalist and make you Google that child’s name.

Shit. Now it’s bugging me.

Greyson Chance. Damn you people.

I don’t even remember what we were talking about here.

Now pardon me, I’m going to go polish my skills on a new venture in liver cloning via Wikipedia.*

What? Just because I write doesn’t mean I can’t do science.

Fine. You got me.

However, I do have some shoddy reporting to do.

*Because if you can Wikipedia, you can do anything.

Archuleta’s life lessons

“American Idol” star David Archuleta’s autobiography was released Tuesday.

“I know I haven’t lived for the longest time, but I have learned things,” Archuleta said.

Uh, you’re 19 dude.

But, by golly gee, I’m sure you’ve “learned things.”

Like how to preheat an oven? Or how to shift gears on a manual transmission? Definitely how to flash your big boy driver’s license at an R-rated film.

And quite possibly how to tip a stripper.

Wait, our gay jury is still deliberating…

But thanks for the life lessons, David. I’m running to the book store as I type.

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