Chris Brown just got his ass paddled by the United Kingdom.
Thank you sir! May I have another?*
He was refused a visa because he beat the shit out of Rihanna.
(The Brits used the more refined “criminal record” jargon. Whatever.)
Well blokes, we don’t blame you. We don’t want him either.
Christy Fantz dishes the dirt daily on her Hollywood Headaches blog.
But since you brought it up, let’s discuss: In exchange for Russell Brand and Daniel Day-Lewis, we’ll give you Mickey Rourke and Courtney Love.
Think of this as an entrepreneurial move and watch the booze stock soar.
Oh, and you can have Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow back. We’re done with them.
*No? “Animal House”? Damn you kids. Sacrilege.
Look at me, I’m Sandra B.
I can’t stand Sandra Bullock.
I said it. Want to fight?
Yes, the woman got (figuratively, perverts) bent over by Jesse James. Agreed, that blows.
Her suppression of your salivation came Sunday night with her long-awaited tube appearance on the MTV Movie Awards. She accepted the Generation Award and kissed Scarlett Johansson.
Grievances to address the aforementioned events: Two.
Let’s discuss the Generation Award. Why… Uh… Hmm…
It appears that becoming a victim of infidelity suddenly morphs so-called “wit” to actual humor? Or perhaps it offers an acquisition of acting skills. That’s neat. I’ll take two.
Next: The kiss.
Ladies, a word of advice: That stunt was so five years ago. Our core values already topped out at jaded.
Perhaps Sandra was super in “The Blind Side.” I don’t care. I didn’t see it because, well, she was in it.
Sandra, my sympathies go to your cheated-on (and probably now disease-ridden) lady parts. My heart goes out to your broken one. My fist goes out to Jesse James.
But my disdain goes out to your subpar comedic acting skills.
Mrs. Alanis Souleye
Alanis Morissette married some rapper dude.
The rabid insults could go dreadfully awry here.
Perhaps we’ll just focus on his name: MC Souleye.
It’s true. Suppositions of Alanis shacking up with a brand more along the lines of Carey Hart (or even Pink, for that matter) have been assumed.
Detect my confusion here? Hold me.
Not only does MC Souleye deserve a barren and lonely life for conjuring that horrid name, but I think the pair met at the 2009 Convention of Stupid Rapper Names.
P. Diddy was the keynote speaker. Also in attendance: Lil’ Scrappy, Chamillionaire, Bubba Sparxx, Gnarls Barkley, Chali 2na, Soulja Boy, Nas, Flava Flav and Vanilla Ice.
What’s the buzz?
Breaking news! Nick Lachey got a buzz cut!
“I just wanted a change,” Lachey told UsMagazine.com. “I used to wear it short, and I have been in this business so long and I got sick of it. I just decided to shave it.”
So glad he cleared that up. Were you nervous, too?
I nearly had a panic attack wondering why he cut it.
Matthew McConaughey is developing a new comedy for FX.
I really don’t care what it’s about, but it’s tentatively titled “Kick Ass Militia.”
Ugh. What a dolt.
It gets better: His production company is called J.K. Livin — where “the J’s for just, the K’s for keep,” reads his Web site.
Oh Matt. Your wit hurts my head.