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Eminem goes from hardcore to whiney to, oh, who cares.
Eminem goes from hardcore to whiney to, oh, who cares.

“Access Hollywood” is the dive bar toilet seat of entertainment news.

And reporter Billy Bush is the Summer’s Eve of douches.

The two tooted their horns (Billy sashayed his) because the show bagged a rare interview with Eminem.

Wake up! It gets better.

No. No, it doesn’t. I lied. I don’t care about Eminem.

More Headaches

Christy Fantz dishes the dirt daily on her Hollywood Headaches blog, at

He babbles about hitting rock bottom, drug abuse and eventually getting help.

Billy took his freshly manicured fingers out of his fluffy coif to ask Mr. Mathers if it difficult to ask for help — being a man and all.

“I think that was my biggest problem,” Eminem said

No. No it wasn’t, Marshall. But that’s not the matter at hand here.

Poor Billy just wants to know if he’ll be a man when he grows up.

London bridges falling down

Actor Jeremy London claims he was kidnapped at gunpoint, forced to buy alcohol and take illegal drugs in Palm Springs by men who helped him change a flat tire.

Dude. I was totally sitting on my couch last night and this fuzzy fuscia leprechaun showed up at my front door with a box of wine and raw unicorn meat. He forced it all down my hatch. True story.

Nobody’s buying Jeremy’s tale. Not even his twin brother Jason, who has “serious questions about what transpired.”

London has battled a drug addiction in the past and his wife has two restraining orders against him.

Yeah. She didn’t learn that lesson. Yeah. She didn’t learn that lesson.*

“Police told us this is the new thing to do down here… rob people at gunpoint and make them do drugs so they won’t be reliable witnesses,” wifey Melissa said in his defense.

Police told me leprechaun appearances here are commonplace and sometimes they even trot in on centaurs.

*Two restraining orders. Crickets? I found it clever.

Too much money

When there’s mold on our cheese, we shave it off and eat the rest. We’re poor.

When there’s mold on the Kardashians’ gluttonous cheese, they flush those fuzzy Benjamins down luxurious porcelain.

Khloe just bought hubby Lamar Odom a new Rolls Royce to celebrate the Los Angeles Lakers’ championship.

Oh calm down — it was only $400,000. I dug that out of my couch last night.

Quote of the week

“When I wake up in the morning, I feel just like any other insecure 24-year-old girl. Then I say, ‘Bitch, you’re Lady GaGa, you get up and walk the walk today,'” the singer told Rolling Stone.

When Hollywood Headaches wakes up in the morning, she feels like any other hungover asshole. Then she says, “Bitch, creditors are stalking you like that weird dude you met at the bar. Go to work and make some money!”