Hollywood Headaches: Rihanna is acting. Hold me

Rihanna is acting.

Finally.

Now I only have to spank Ryan Seacrest and my life will be complete.

The singer has been cast in the movie version of the board game Battleship.

Director, it would be neat if you can lock her as a target on the grid. Say, G8?

What? I don’t condone violence.

I’m just getting her bangs in a twist. She should know Hollywood Headaches’ feelings about singers making a foray into “acting” by now.

It’s like asking a damn toddler to mix you a drink. Hmmm. You’re on to something Hollywood Headaches…

Hey everybody, it’s Tony Robbins!

Need some motivation?

Of course you do. You’re a bunch of lazy assholes.

Super news! NBC is now airing “Breakthrough,” a new reality show with motivational speaker Tony Robbins.

On a scale of one to lame, this is just absurd. Times 16. That’s all.

No. No, that’s not all. I’ll give you some bloody motivation, America: Quit your bitching and go pour yourself a whiskey.

Do I have to fix everything around here?

Good talk.

Make up your mind, Bynes

While relaying news of retirement to the boss in the past, people would advise horses to pass the news onto birds that would in turn tweet to the retiree’s superior.

Uh. What?

Nowadays, retiring via smartphone is like flying cars. Totally from the future.

Since Amanda Bynes is apparently 65, she quit her day job via Twitter. Then she “unretired” a month later. (She’s 24.)

That little shit was just trying to promote her upcoming flick, “Easy A.”

When Bynes “retired” she complained about how she’s never written anything for the shows in which she has acted.

“I’ve only acted like the characters the producers or directors wanted me to play.”

Um. It’s called your job.

Definitely not an expert here, but I’ll go out on a limb: Isn’t acting required when acting?

Gibson surfaces

We all know the Mel Gibson drama.

You don’t? Go back to sleep, fool. See you next week.

A month has past since word broke about his alleged abuse towards ex Oksana Grigorieva. The man has finally surfaced.

He climbed out of his sadistic, bigoted, drunken stupor to hit up church for a little Latin mass on Sunday.

Well by golly, Mel, that’s sweet. You’re forgiven.

Quote of the week

“It takes me 25 minutes just to do my hair,” Pauly D, of “The Jersey Shore,” told Access Hollywood.

He is such a girl.

At least it only takes him about a minute to put in his tampon.

The panties and dress? Man, that’s a swift science for him by now.