DJ Tribal Touch spins retro tunes at Denver s Bar Standard on Saturday.
DJ Tribal Touch spins retro tunes at Denver s Bar Standard on Saturday.

Do you know what’s neat?

A “big” city. Cool bars. Nightlife. Alcohol. A mile of men.

What? Did you say something? I got distracted…

There will be a literal mile of men from 7 to 9 a.m. Friday morning.

Sure, it’s early, but I know you’ll be passed out in Confluence Park tonight after those debaucherous things I read about you on the bathroom wall.

So, peel yourself off the grass, get some coffee and head to Elitch Gardens in Denver and see Erica’s Mile of Men.

Well, straight men and gay women, perhaps you won’t find this as entertaining, but for those who will, Erica Cobb, from the Alice 105.9 morning show, is lining up 5,280 feet of grade A meat.

Uh. I mean handsome gentlemen. They’re more than pieces of ass, ladies. Show some respect. Gosh.

The men will hold a number and if you see one you want to dig your claws into, write it down and meet him at 5 p.m. Friday night at Jackson’s, 1520 20th St., Denver, for the official party.

Call 303-595-4386 for more info.

Viral videos gone wild

We like dim and useless viral junk. I would speak for myself, but I’ve seen the shit you pull up on YouTube. Nice try.

Everything Is Terrible is a video blog that houses hilarious, weird, ridiculous and horrifying viral videos — that are all found footage. The site even mixes in movie scenes jacked from old VHS video releases.

I dare you to ask me what VHS is. Now come closer. Slap!

From 8:30 to 11 p.m. Saturday, Starz Film Center — 900 Auraria Parkway, Denver — hosts the Everything is Terrible 2 sneak peak with brand new footage.

The Everything is Terrible crew will be on hand with a live show featuring costumes, fog machines and a live giraffe mud wrestling pit.

Fine, maybe no giraffes, but it will be humorous. So go. And bring $12. Check it out:

Go retro

Stray from your style for a night and get out those skinny jeans, the busy T-shirt paired with those colorful Nike Dunk high tops (with the tongue hugging the tucked-in jean, of course).

Oh wait. You already have that on. Right. It’s been back in style for a while. Hmmm.

Denver’s Bar Standard, 1037 Broadway, has Retro Standard Saturdays with DJ Tribal Touch spinning old-school tunes from the ’70s to the ’90s in a unique bar, reminiscent of a retro speakeasy.

Call 303-832-8628.

Laugh it up

You’re funny!

No you’re not. That joke was ridiculous.

But you know what is? Friday night’s Improv Comedy at Bovine Metropolis Theatre, 1527 Champa St., Denver.

Four crazy actors and a moderator use odd audience suggestions to improvise skits, songs and games along the style of “Whose Line is it Anyway?”

See it Friday at 10:15 p.m. Call 303-758-4722.