Each Thursday, the Colorado Daily’s Christy Fantz dishes out finely honed advice to the hopelessly lovelorn souls of Boulder. Got a question? Send it to fantz@coloradodaily.com.

Dear Christy,

I think my boyfriend is Facebook stalking me. He doesn’t like my guy friends or what they write on my wall. We’ve been together for a year and I don’t want to break up with him, but this is getting ridiculous.

How do I get him to stop?

Sincerely,

Stalkee

Ask Christy

Christy Fantz has relationship advice and she’s not afraid to dish it out. Send your questions to fantz@coloradodaily.com

Stalkee,

Hey! I totally just broke up with that dude.

But mine was way worse. So I win.

Granted, mine was much younger than me (let’s just say there is an anatomical possibility I was old enough to be his mom).

And, um, he wasn’t old enough to get into the bars.

You shut your mouth. I totally look 26. Tops.

Anyway, Stalkee, let’s play the scenario game: Is your dude insecure?

A. Yes.

That’s annoying as hell. Dump him now.

B. No.

Well, stop being a bloody flirt, you dirty tramp.

My genius just slurred that he will continue to snoop around unless you block him from Facebook.

Heed! If you do block him from Facebook, he will go through your sexts and start counting condoms.

I say dump him. But don’t just dump him.

Dump him.

Look him in the, ahem, private eye and tell him you’ve had better. Then embarrass him in public. And then go make out with his best friend.

Why? Because insecure boys like this deserve to be humiliated. Plus, he’s been eyeing your roommate for two months.

You sluts make me proud.

Dear Christy,

I hate the way my boyfriend dresses. How do I make him change?

Literally?

Love,

Fashionista

Fashionista,

Well, you don’t.

You deal (for a minute), then you buy him items of clothing for every single holiday — I’m even talking Groundhog Day here. (Please, like you don’t live off of mom and dad’s bank account. Spoiled brat.)

He will hate 87 percent of what you buy him: “For shit’s sake, honey, a bottle of Jager would’ve sufficed.”

But fortunately, he’ll shut up and sport that shit around town because he has seen you cry enough this week.

Next step: Toss those three disgusting, holey, yellow-pitted T-shirts. However, pray thee sympathize with him while he red rages through piles of clothes.

Potential downfall: There’s a chance you may get PlayStation’s “Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11” for your birthday.

The benefit of your selfish gift giving has turned awry. Oh dear. His sneaky tricks just bitchslapped the shit out of your life plans to stylize the relationship.

But hell, I know I solely gift for my benefit.

Dear gentleman lover, you are getting a handle of Jameson and a pack of Marlboro Lights for your birthday.

Good talk.